"No matter what your past has been, you have a spotless future."

January 27th, 2012

2012-01-27T17:27:00.000-08:00

2 years ago, I was in Provo Utah, writing on a "notepad" note on my computer, in Pleasant Grove Utah. I didn't have the internet in the 70 year old house that I was living in at the time, and thus had time to myself, and time to think. Which, I did a LOT. 2 years ago, I had no idea where I was going to be in 2 years. I couldn't have imagined that I would be here, nor did I. I thought I would've been in Utah still.. MAYBE back in Texas.

Today, I'm looking back on my journey. The people I've seen walk away, the people I've seen stick by me. I've been changed for the best, I've gained best friends who I'll constantly be able to lean on, and I've learned to appreciate people and things that I hadn't even noticed before.

I've gained an attitude of gratitude. A gratitude for all around me, even when I'm in a poor mood. Here's to the blessings around, and the blessings to come. Here's to my dreams, the dreams I have, have led me to where I am today. I've dreamt most people in my life would come into it, before they actually did. Here's to me taking chances, pushing forward, and following my dreams.

To some, they're just things to pass the time of sleeping, where as with me, my dreams pave my future. I make my dreams come true, and that'll never change. I am blessed with a wonderful family that I love, and loves me in return. I have 2 jobs where I'm able to save up for bills that will inevitably be coming in the future. I have a wonderful boyfriend who finds strength where I struggle. He's able to put a smile on my face, and make me laugh, even when I'm having the worst week, and the troubles are far from being over. He's my best friend, and I can talk to him about anything... and I love that.

In life, I find myself stumbling and falling a LOT. I lose sight of what's most important, and I find myself slipping into unhappiness. I forget Who I was created to be, Who I'm wanting to become, and I forget who Sent me, and Who's waiting for my return back to him, and back home. My Father in Heaven is ever mindful of my needs, and Jesus Christ suffered for my sins. The power of the Atonement is real, and I know that if you keep your eye single to the glory of God, and to that which will help all others reach the same heights, you will be happy, and blessed for all eternity.

Here's to feeling like I have no friends; I do, their time in my story isn't now... they'll come back in a while.
Here's to feeling like I can't make it; the victory is still around the corner, and I mustn't quit now.
Here's to feeling like I'm less than I am; Satan would have me be miserable like unto himself.

Here's to pushing on, and finding joy in the journey.
I can't give up.. I'm so much better than that, and worth so much more.
I can do this. I will. I DID once, and I WILL do it again... and again, and again.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2012-01-21T17:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, and today we're celebrating it with a bunch of friends.

Kinda reminds me of my birthday. I had a few good friends over, and it was actually very enjoyable.
Weird how times change. How so much can happen in such little time. How so many people can walk in, and out of your life like you're nothing. How people can show you their true colors, lead you on, break your heart, and not even blink in the process.

Reminds you that you have to always be ready for surprises. They're always coming. Always.

Update: 2012

2012-01-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

The trip portion in Provo had to be my favorite.

It was so much fun to finally see all my friends again, laugh about old times, and share new memories.

Seeing Brooke, James and Eric was really what I had needed for a long while. I met Tim, and I was able to enjoy New York and its sites... for a day. It wasn't more than a 1 day trip I'd be willing to re-venture through.

Me in Central Park!

Left to right: James, Tim, Brooke, Piper, Eric and Me at Texas Roadhouse in Orem, Utah.

I got a job at Subway, I work there at night and I work at QT in the mornings. I was in the ER twice this past week after my right tube stopped draining. I was referred to a Urologist while in the ER my 2nd night (first night, I went to St. Paul's, and 2nd night I went to Harris Methodist downtown) and it was an answer to many prayers. I have a great urologist, and the day after meeting up with them, I had a Nephrostogram where they figured out that the ureter connected to my right kidney, isn't draining at all into my bladder.

Life has been hectic, but better. 2012 is my cleansing year, my day of fixing, and of healing. I'm really ready to move on and get this life of mine going.

I'm tired of having to deal with people who react so drastically to things that happen to be others faults, like poor social skills and such. Seriously? If that's going to tip you off, then what's going to stop you from freaking out when other small things come around?

People never cease to amaze me. I'll update again soon.

At the Harris Methodist ER. Had just had blood work done, and was waiting for pain meds.

An adventure of many kinds: Texas to New Jersey

2011-12-26T16:39:00.000-08:00

The drive from DFW to Jersey wasn't much the problem. I blasted my ipod, crocheted a scarf, talked about politics and odd things with Kyle, and slept as much as possible between the various activities.
Arkansas was Arkansas. Gorgeous tall trees, not many cities.. AT ALL. Tennessee... can you say creepy?! I had my door locked, and the only real highlight was Nashville, which even at night, was awesome looking.

I woke up from a good 5-6 hour nap in Virginia, supposedly Kyle had stopped because he was too tired, and by this time (5:30am) I was shivering like you wouldn't believe! We got back on the road, and I was passed out before we even left the rest area we had stopped at. I woke up just as the sun was creeping over into Salem. Kyle and I had a pretty good conversation about the witch trials, and talked about paranormal stuff like ghosts that most likely stick around there out of bitterness (what can I say? I'm a paranormal junkie.) Then he went off about how he wanted to retire in Virginia... and then reminded me a good 50 times (haha, I'm just hating. I thought it was cute how he talked about him and his current girlfriend's future, and how he planned on supporting her there).
We got to Winchester, and decided to stop at Subway. I've never seen a cuter town in all my life! It was literally a post card town. Even the Subway workers were slow going. Not out of laziness, but they really gave a good idea to all who went, as to how easy going that town was. A hobo even stopped and talked to me, and even though I found that oddly creepy, he really wasn't much a threat, given I was in Subway when he came up and talked to me.
The rest of Virginia was pretty empty, and my phone's signal was NON-existent. 5-6 texts would come flying to my phone from hours before every time I entered a big city, which there wasn't many of along this trip. In fact, I was awake for only 3 of those big cities. Salem had signal, but only in certain small spots.. texting was a nightmare!

BUT! Kyle and I stopped by my friend Andy's house, sadly he wasn't coming along because of serious illnesses in his family. But meeting him and a small portion of his family, was fun. And the opportunity to get out of the car and stretch is always a yes. Waynesboro was ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE in every sense! The houses, the scenery.. my goodness, I do not blame people for moving there. It's ridiculously cute, I kid you not!

Our drive from Andy's to Jersey was ok. I slept for about 90% of it, and Kyle and I ended up lost for 5% of that 10% that I was awake.

New Jersey is NOT my cup of tea. Rude driving, GHETTO areas, and poorly planned streets and highways have left a sour taste in my jersey exprience's mouth. I'm pretty excited to say I've been here though, and I now have an opinion on it: I'm never EVER living here. I see New York tomorrow, starting way early. About 6 or 7am, to be honest. And we plan on seeing it ALL until about 9pm. I'm excited for it. I'm a fan of new memories and scenery! I plan on getting a picture of many different locations, and honestly, I'm just stoked to go out there and see it all!

I'm really really really missing Andy (different than Penn. Andy... and anyone who knows me, or has me on Facebook would know the difference) though. Given, since he and I met, we've only (now) not seen each other for 2 days. He's been quite the puzzle piece. We've had some trying times, and our trust has been put in question, but we've come out on top, with flying colors. It's really brought us closer together. Which doesn't help the cause. I plan on taking him on this trip with me once more. There were places so gorgeous along the way, that I just wanted to see HIS reaction to them, especially seeing how I took everything in!
I'm really excited to get Andy's gift in the undisclosed location that Andrew Anderson and I will be driving to. I've already figured out what I'm getting Andy, and I'm so very excited to get it. It'll add to what he and I already have in our relationship, so it'll just plain be AWESOME.

Circumstances have changed DRASTICALLY since Kyle and I left DFW. People haven't been able to come along, and that's made a huge impact on my mood, which I'm trying my best to lighten. But it's nice that I'm stuck here with Kyle. Kyle and I have this mutual feeling, and longing to be home for the same round about reasons.. so we're both constantly talking about one another's significant other's. It's nice to know someone understands why I'm kinda in a downer mood about things, and why.

Here's pictures, as I'm anxious to share the amazingness of this trip!! Like Winchester, and Waynesboro. =)

Kyle and me in Tejas

Obvious.

Ahh, Arkansas roads!

Woo!!!

The closest thing to a welcome to Virginia sign that I could find.

Virginia in the morning

THESE STILL EXIST?! Salem, Virginia.

Rest Stop in Virginia.

We had just made it to Maryland. That's his normal, dumb face.

WOOHOO!!

...Say hello to Waynesboro!! SO CUTE!

Again... Waynesboro, Pennsylvania.

More Waynesboro. It was gorgeous!

Here's for Kyle.

The moments that matter- A look at memories that have shaped me.

2011-12-25T06:54:00.000-08:00

One of my fondest memories is when I was a teen, and my friends Deborah, Chelsea E., Chelsea P. Caleb, Kourtni, Chris and I would all cram into Deborah and Chris' tiny little car to go to church youth dances. Those dances are things that remind me that who you are, is being closely watched by all around. People would say hi to me, by name, who I didn't know or didn't remember. But I'd say "HEY!!! How are you?!" and would hug them, as if I knew them. And from that day on, I would remember them. This is when my good memory kicked in. I was determined to remember everyone, and I did.

Chelsea, Caleb and Me, with Kourtni laying across us. Heading to the Stake Center for a dance.
This was in 2007... 17 was never so good.

In June 2007 I met a good friend, Thomas Trotter, at EFY which I attended at BYU Provo. I became good friends with him, and I went for a visit in October of that same year. I gained a new group of friends that I were irreplaceable.
This is just one of our many moments of goodness.

David Andrew, Thomas, Me, and Jessica at the Little Rock, AR airport. Getting ready to head home.

I went to EFY in 2008 purely because of my Father in Heaven. Faith, prayer, and blessings. I shouldn't have even lived, but here I am in 2011, and that tells you something. My then good friends from Arkansas had no idea I made it. They thought I was still in the hospital. The look of surprise on their faces was something I cannot replace with any moment in time. My arms were covered in bruises from having to have my blood taken all the week before, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get to Utah, and to EFY. I wanted to prove my doctors wrong, so I did. ;)

Thomas, Me, Jessica, and Mari @EFY 2008, BYU Provo.

Cook's Children Hospital 5/23/2008

Tech for The Music Man @Artisan Center Theater. Backstage with Mari and Kirsten. July 2008.

Digory, 3 months old and me. July, 2008.

2009 was a huge turning point in figuring out myself, and honestly it was one of the hardest years I've ever had. But I wouldn't change it for a second.. not a second.

2nd place for my Hornpipe (hardshoe irish dance) April, 2009.

Nyssa and Me, Emerald Bluebonnet Feis, April 2009.

Me, Padre Island in the AM. March 2009.

YSA Conference, Ft.Worth TX, September 2009.

Digory and me at Buffalo Ridge Park, November 2009.

James Peterson and Me, in Ogden Utah skiing December of 2009.

Salt Lake City temple, December 2009.

2010 came around the corner, and I found myself breaking down, and building back up. 2010 was an excellent year. Excellent.

James Kirkland and Me, October 2010.

Courtney and I posing with our AWESOME pumpkin. Yeah, Jack Skellington was AWESOME.

Me, Kirsten and Marthe.. December 2010.

Mychael, Lindsey, Me and Morgan. July 2010.

Jake, Me and Kirsten! 4th of July @Bedford Boys Ranch

2011 will get its own blog... so enjoy my memory lane for now. ;)

MERRY CHRISTMAS, all! =)
All you scrooges, or those who have their sour memories this holiday season, I pray you find the joy and courage to create a new outlook on this season. Forget not that your Lord and Savior, even Jesus the Christ, was born upon this day. For He walks this earth today, He lives. He lives to silence all my fears, He lives to wipe away my tears. He's lives my hungry soul to feed, He lives to bless in time of need.

Life is too good.

Whoa, 2 blogs in one day!!

2011-12-24T16:09:00.000-08:00

I'm suddenly ready to get out of here. I want to go see new scenes, see old faces,a nd enjoy myself new memories. I've been thinking about Ben a whole lot, and it's really made me miss him and a lot of other people in my life who have gone before me.

Here's to those who have faught for our freedom,have died for our freedom, and those who we wish could be here with us this holiday season.

Here's to those who are grieving, feel alone, and/or cannot find the kind of happiness they are seeking for this holiday season. Peace be unto thy souls. He will never leave of comfortless, IF we let Him come unto us. He's always there, and I feel that we tend to have a harder time remembering that especially around this time of year.

Have a fantastic Christmas, everyone!

Hello Christmas Eve 2011!

2011-12-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

in less than 24 hours, I'll be on the road to NEW YORK!! Original plans had me excited, and wanting to stop to visit people along the way from New York to taking Andy to School across the USA, but with time, we found that driving straight through would be convenient for all parties involved, AND we get to our destination a lot more quickly, and a day sooner than I had planned!

I'm nervous, anxious, and excited, all at the same time. Reality is setting in, and my body is taking an overload of it in every way. I'm REALLY going to New York.. What on earth was I THINKING?!
Then again, why NOT? Heck yeah!! NEW YORK!! A day in the city, then we're heading out.. just enough time to wish I could stay, but not too long to where I get annoyed by everything.
Christmas Eve is today, Christmas tomorrow, and I'm just not quite grasping the holiday spirit entirely. Am I that old? Or that... yeah, old works.

Here's to good times ahead! 2012, We Can Do This!

Another day, another try.

2011-12-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

So, in 1 week and 45 minutes, I'll be leaving to New York City with Kyle. We'll get to Waynesboro Pennsylvania the 26th, pick up my best friend Andy Anderson, then we'll drive on into the big apple!

The last time I had a full fledged vacation, Genne, John, Kenji and I all went to Zion's park and Las Vegas. Unless you count when I came home from Utah for summer of 2010 (but.. I don't really).
This will be the first time I've been able to enjoy the freedom of no worries, no cares, and will be fully responsible for having nothing but an absolute BLAST.
Andy and I will be cramming into his car, and will be waving goodbye to Kyle as we drive out of New York to our next destination.. which is going to be a 36-38 adventure.
When I get kinda scared, and overwhelmed with the idea of SO MUCH driving during CHRISTMAS, I close my eyes, and without thinking, I start saying a little prayer "Heavenly Father, please clear the ways of harm, danger, and unforeseen troubles. Please bless that the angels will be by our sides, filling our thoughts, and guiding us with what to do, given the circumstances we are dealt. Please bless that we may do it with a whole heart, with grace, and with a good attitude. And most especially with you by our sides. According to our faith, that is... please bless us."

And you know what? I know that we're going to get to where we need to go, that we'll be looked after, and that this is going to be epic. I know it's going to be to so much fun, because I've been stressing about it, which means there's someone who's NOT a fan of this trip we're going on.
The Lord never works in negativity.. He doesn't tell you you'll not make it, He doesn't show you all the bad that to come about and say "don't even try." He'll tell us there will be bumps, there will be hard times, He'd show us what is to come, and would expect us to adjust accordingly. He'd expect and bless us with humble hearts, smart minds, and loving people all over the USA who we made stand in need of help from.

It's funny how Satan works though, you know? My face broke out, which is the #1 sign that I'm stressed, and I'm wondering WHY? Why am I stressed out? There have been more detailed plannings, but that's not reason to lose my cool.
So here I am, pushing on. This is going to be EPIC, and I CANNOT wait! Reactions, faces, smiles, laughs, hugs, euphoria's... it's going to be SO nice.

I'm excited, and ready to take on the new year, with friends new and old.. I'm planning things to happen as they should, and they'll happen as they should, so there's no need to worry... at all.

Here's to an eternal perspective. Here's to AWESOME memories in the future! Here's to Christmas, to good family, to amazing friends, and to the gentle reminders of how lucky I am.

Life will always be as great as you make it.
So make it GREAT!
7 days.

The Flu.

2011-12-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

That horrible, nasty, disgusting little thing, has me under its wings right now. I slept for 16-17 hours today, and only had 3 things really waking me up (kirsten, my cats endless meowing, and thunder that kept going and GOING and GOINGGG..)

Now though, I feel human again, which is awesome!
But I now realize that this flu has been going off and on for the past couple weeks. I'm beyond grateful for watchful eyes, and helping hands. I've been blessed with help and kindness from those around me, and I love that!
I have 7am work, so I'm going to go get myself a nice warm meal, wrap up and watch a movie, then knock out so I can be ready to face the world in the morning! =)

Dallin Briner

2011-12-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

This is one picture that beautifully depicts the essence of who Dallin was. He died the day after Thanksgiving in 2010.
He was a missionary for my church here in the DFW area of Texas. He was one of the craziest kids, but one of the smartest and wisest. Well, yeah. Wisest ;)
He had this outlook on life and death that is absolutely stunning. There's no doubt in my mind that he's on the other side of this veil telling me to try harder, to be better, and to stand a little taller.

So here I am, December 12th, 2011. I'm doing it. And you, Dallin, are my inspiration.
Pushing to be my best, as he was an example of Christ. He cared, loved, and got along with everyone he met. He was a rebel, but he was pretty great too.

Making myself better... Anyone who's offended, let be. You choose to be offended, and I can't change that.
If you don't like that I'm bettering myself, putting my standards on full gear in every way possible at lengths that I've never done before, then you probably shouldn't be in my life.
I am a go getter, I will do my best to be my best. If I ever let myself go, if you ever thought you had a grip on me, and could "mold" me into who you wanted me to be, to cater to your needs, say Hello to the Natalia that you obviously don't know.

Here.I.Go.

2012, you will be my year of Standing a Little Taller. Always.

Dallin Briner, we can't forget who's polishing the stairway to heaven, or "air boarding" down the meadows of heaven.

An update!! Finally...

2011-12-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

This past week has been trying for me, health-wise. I was in the ER, and I've only worked MAYBE 6 hours this week? Maybe.
But with every trial, comes a price. And I'm sure this will all make sense in the end. In 16 days I'm heading out to New York City for a few days, just to see the sites, and I'm pretty excited! Though, traveling with tubes in your back, makes things rather difficult. Plus, I need to buy myself a nice, Natalia-a-fied coat. Andy bought me one the other day, but it has yet to leave his household. Nor have I worn it aside from the time I tried it on.

I'm not someone who clings to provided things too well. I'm much too independent.

Here's to waters that are quickly becoming stagnant. Here's to the moments where you think "Wait, how the heck did I end up here?!" Here's to not knowing what to do. Life is TOO SHORT to spend it with people you're not sure whether they love you for the right or wrong reasons. So let go, and go live! Love life, meet people, create yourself into who you want to be, and make sure you do it vigorously. Love everything, love everyone, and let go of the crap and hold onto the precious, important things.

Go For It.

In the hospital

2011-11-28T11:12:00.000-08:00

Here I am, iv in my arm, on morphine, waiting to have a cat scan done.
And nothing seems more normal than this! I've come to realize that i really love my life, and I love who I am. Im use to these kinds of things,Which makes me grateful for the blessing of this life long trial of mine, and im beyond grateful that no one else has to go through what I've gone through. Things like this remind me of how mindful the Lord is of our trials and needs. He is ever mindful of who we are and he's always there to catch, carry and strengthen us. Ask and ye shall receive! Life is definitely fantastic!

I'm happy, and I love my life. So come what may, and love it!

-Natalia

The day that I grew up

2011-11-18T23:31:00.000-08:00

a lot of people say that there's no defining point where they felt like they grew up. Where as, a lot of other people can recall the precise moment when they realized they're not who they use to.

I'm the other people.

It's when I saw what was once the most important thing in my life, and I realized that I loved it enough to let go.

It was the moment when I was happier knowing the truth, even if it wasn't what I wanted.

It was when I looked a young man in the eyes, while living in Provo, and I stood up and said "We don't trust each other, and I deserve to be treated better." and I walked away from someone who completed me in many, many, hard to find, ways.

I've come to realize that I'm a very internal person these days, where as I use to be completely external. I keep my feelings and emotions close to me, and I don't let them out for all to see. I have a life that's my own, and it's been lived deeply and fiercely.. I don't let just anyone know what's going on with me, or know my conversations.

I don't go and crave to play the piano anymore like I use to.. my inspiration for new music isn't there these days. I've learned so much, and loved completely. I've never meant any less than my words and actions were created to mean.

Life is exactly as you make it, so heed my words when I say to make it a good one.. not just good, but great.

Love what you have, and learn to watch, instead of be watched. Understand, instead of screaming for the attention of all to see and hear.

And if you seek attention, do it for the sake of good. All the time.

Always.

-Natalia

They say you know when you know

2011-11-15T04:51:00.000-08:00

but here I am, trying to figure out when I should move back to Provo.
When am I suppose to, and need to?

Aside from that, I've come to find that I wake up in these almost bad moods, but they don't last very long before I'm down on my knees praying for help and guidance. Life is absolutely fantastic, and I am so grateful for a good testimony and relationship with my Father in Heaven, and my brother, Jesus Christ.
They have helped me more than anyone else, spiritually speaking. My mom and dad, most especially my mom, has helped me more than anyone, on this earth. She is my beacon of light in this world where I get scared and discouraged. She has lifted me up, sacrificed, and loved me to no end. She has taught me that she will always be by my side to love and support me.. and has let me know that all she wants, is for me to be happy, and that's enough for her to believe that it matters not if it's how we panned things out to be, like my tubes in my back.

I will never regret having these tubes in my back. While it's hard to have them in, I know I adapt well to things. And people may think I have it harder than them, with them in, but truth is... we all have our own version of "having tubes in our back". We were all designed and created to carry our own "hospital visits" and "life threatening, BAD reaction to medicines" and "Heart rate jumping, lung closing up" events in our lives. I would hate for anyone to think that their burdens seem less than mine, because I know that I push myself to be strong, and that is something others have their own level of.

Life is a good lesson. And being strong can be a very lonely thing... but strength isn't something we just HAVE, it's something God helps us find.

I pray for all who are dealing with their own tubes, their own burdens, and their own fears.
It will ALL make sense in the end. I promise.

-Natalia D&C 6:36

The gift of lifting a burden

2011-11-14T13:17:00.000-08:00

I've come to find that when others tell me the truth, no matter how much processing it takes to accept it, that a weight is lifted from my mind, heart, and soul.
While at first, I may not have liked certain outcomes, and may find myself randomly struggling with the facts in the future at certain points, I know that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens as it should, and I, and others involved and helping, will be happy in the end. I may not understand WHY, but I understand that it IS. It's MEANT TO BE, and I have to hold onto my faith, and the good that I'm still benefited with from these people and situations will come to pass in a way that will be nothing less than amazing.

I love knowing that I have a Father in Heaven who has taught me that letting go is a sign of love. I suppose I was just waiting to hear what I already knew.. it's how this person and I have always been. We know one another well enough to know, with a gut feeling, what's going on with one another. I just knew it, and over time I learned to accept what I felt was, and I prayed, and thanked my Father, for blessing me with the pure friendship I'm still able to hold. Because of that, I feel like that was my way of finally moving on. It's weird to say that, knowing how genuine my feelings towards this are. It was kinda hard to process and deal with the day after, but I fasted, and prayed yesterday for the strength to keep my eternal perspective. To realize that if it's not one person, that means the person I'm trying to fill a certain pair of shoes with, is still out there. And that mere fact, drives me to right my wrongs, and to do my best to be my best, because I know that everyone deserves the best of me. And I'd hate to disappoint anyone.

Here's to my future, to making myself a wonderful friend, sister, daughter, and someone's future wife. Life will be fantastic, and I can't wait to see where it takes me, who I meet, and who I decide to become. It's going to be absolutely fantastic!

New York City? See ya on the 28th of December!

My dreams will come true, and I will reach all my goals, because I refuse to settle for anything less than happiness. And I will find it, fight for it, reach it, and continue to create it, and to feed it.

"May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and the rain fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you ever in the palm of his hand."

-Natalia

"Being alive is easy, waking up is easy. Living life takes courage, and anticipating the next day with a fiery drive to live and love it; that's what we need to be striving for."

"Dude, we won't be bored in heaven. How awesome is that?!"

2011-11-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

Here's to the awesome moments. To the hard times that are honestly hard. Here's to people that I believe deserve a good word, like Andy. Andy is the biggest help in my life, EVER. He's encouraging, AWESOME, Kind, Optimistic, my best friend, and ever mindful of me and my circumstances. He's GREAT.

2 days, people!! 2 days.
Actually, technically, 1.
1 day... ONE!!!

-N.May

My mind is blank

2011-11-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

but I was told to write a blog, and to just let it flow.

So.. here it goes.
I love how you can hold onto something that's been so true, and so pure.. and it does, indeed, carry you on when everything else fails.
Life is a good teacher, and I've found that everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone is willing to accept others mistakes, or the fact that they're in the past.
I have such good friends, family and coworkers, and I love it!
I'm really missing Provo, I'm really missing old times, and I'm definitely missing things like sleeping in, and so on.. but thus is life as you begin to grow up.
There are so many things in my life, that are pure proof that Heavenly Father is constantly looking out for me. My mistakes are my own, and they don't define me.. how I handle life, and everything in it, is what defines me. I can become whoever I want to be, and I love knowing that.

People may find me weird, may make fun of me, may find out that I really am crazy, and that I just plain love life.
Here we are, so scared... so afraid of what we don't know, but... How can you worry about what you don't know? We will be blessed with the opportunity to learn everything, and with some things, we have to work on the Lord's watch, because He knows who we are, by name. He loves us unconditionally, and endlessly.

Who are we to think so little of ourselves, when we're God's more precious and amazing creations?
Think about it.
Never give up, do your best to be your best... and carry on.

Just keep going. And JUST DO IT.
Never lose faith, ever.

-N.May

A geek out moment.

2011-10-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

So, reality keeps hitting random peaks, and this is one of them!

In 12 days, I get to see Robert. If you don't know who Robert is, you don't really know me. Cause, he's someone I mention quite frequently.
I haven't seen Robert in 834 days. Which makes that July 19th, of 2009. I can tell you EXACTLY what he was wearing the last time I said goodbye, and gave him a hug. I can tell you what -I- was wearing, I can even tell you that it was about 4pm in the afternoon. It was a sunday.
If you think I take this kid being in my life, as a light subject, you're very incorrect.

I only have to wait 12 more days to hug one of the bestest, and closest of friends I have ever been blessed with.
He's one of the only people who's ever known me the most completely. I've lost, I've loved, I've fought, and pushed forward with this guy, and there's no one who can replace him. I get to see THIS kid, in >>12<< days. Yes, I'm still all giddy, and excited.

This geek out moment is brought to you by the sheer blessings of being in the right place, at the right time, so I could meet this guy.
If I had done anything differently, I would not know him. Which makes every choice that I make, seem that much more meaningful. Never underestimate the power of even the smallest decisions.

My awesome friends.

2011-10-28T01:06:00.000-07:00

While I've become who I am today because of my life's trials and lessons, I'd like to introduce you to the people that have helped ME, the most. So, take a moment and meet my awesome friends. (They really are awesome.)

Meet my dearest, and most understanding friend, Jake Edlund (and my brother Seth is joinin' on this picture). Jake has been one of the most reliable of people, and has been one of those friend's who has never gone too long without keeping contact. He's such an awesome guy, and has been some of the wisest words of wisdom, when I needed them most. He's great!

This is my absolutely fantastic James Kirkland. With him, I don't think about things, because it's all natural. There is no filter, because I trust this kid with everything I have. Literally. James will most likely be the one person who ends up knowing everything about me, thus moving him to a level that no one else will be at, ever. James is my best friend, and has been on the same brain wave length as me, since I met him. We write music together without thinking it out, we say the same things at the same time, and honestly.. I love it. This kid is someone I would give just about ANYTHING to hug. I haven't seen him in almost a year... and it feels like a year wasted. I miss this kid.

This is my excellent friend Caleb Merrill. He has been my friend since I was 2... or something like that. It can be FOREVER since I've seen him, and I can still walk up to him, and have a conversation like it was just yesterday that I saw him. He really is my oldest, and closest friend. He's absolutely irreplaceable, too. He's sweet, kind, caring, and loveable. And boy do I love myself a Caleb Merrill!

This is Robert Burke and me. I met him the day after my 18th birthday, and it seems that he never seems to leave my side completely. He's pretty fantastic, and I've definitely missed him the past two years.

Andy and I... are... yeah. This picture sums up our friendship. I absolutely love talking to this guy. He gives me advice, encourages me, and pushes me on to be my best. I can talk to him about ANYTHING, and I love that. He's definitely my absolute best friend, and he continually reminds as to why it is that he's such an awesome guy. He's one of those guys you meet, and then wonder how you were able to function without knowing him. Yeah, he's just like that. And you gotta love it! He's so much fun, and definitely a hoot to talk with!

Blessed? Yes. I am most definitely blessed beyond words.
These people have influenced me the most, and I love them entirely too little in comparison to the love and care they constantly show me.
My life is pretty amazing.

-Natalia

Even though...

2011-10-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

things don't make sense, or aren't going according to how you'd like them to, doesn't mean that you are alone.
They're God's way of saying "Hey, I placed all these previous choices in front of you, but it's time I've put reality into view." and He does.
He'll remind of how little, or how much of a relationship you have with Him. If you struggle in knowing He's there, or if you KNOW with a shadow of a doubt that He's there; you will know.
There are people that God puts into our lives, that change us. They have us so completely, and they always will. But that does not mean that you won't find the answers you're looking for... it just means you need to realize that you need to change what you're looking for, and why.

Not everything in this life makes sense. In fact, the things worth learning most, seldom do, if you don't go the whole 9 yards, and understand it completely.

Here's to every moment in time, when you've been promised something.. A promise is the assurance of a hope or dream that will be obtained without regard to circumstance or chance.
Here's to every moment where you've felt helpless, and alone.

I originally wrote a blog about friends.. but ended up thinking this beast up. So here you go.

Once upon a time...

2011-10-26T03:10:00.000-07:00

There was this awesome guy named Eric.
Eric stumbled upon a young lady named Natalia, who hailed from the land of all things wonderful; Texas.
Eric was tortured at times, if Natalia were to accidentally hum the tune of "Catch a Falling Star".. for it would be stuck in his head, the rest of the day.

Because of Eric, Natalia stumbled upon the happy chance of meeting a young, awesome man named James.

James quickly became my best friend. He and I did all sorts of stuff together, music, walking, talking, poker, cards, gaming... you name it, we did it!
James was once upon a time, my crush. Not only my crush, but I definitely liked this fella... but alas, nothing came about it, for I had to home to Texas. So nothing COULD happen.
James really did become my best friend. He stood up for me, pep talked me, and helped me with so much.
He's AMAZING.

Then, out of the blue, we met a young, fair maiden, named Brooke

She was the youngest of the group, and with it, came her endless energy and optimism.
She was quickly tucked under my arm, and became my little sister. No questions asked!
Dating advice, girl talk, oogling over a cute boy in the ward... we did it all!
And she never stopped caring. She was always willing to help. Always.

These 3 people and I spent our evenings joking, laughing, talking, and enjoying each other's company.
These are my 3 best friends in Provo. They pushed me, supported me, loved me, and are some of the best people I know.

I'd say I'm blessed enough to be able to end this story by saying that there IS NO end! They're still my best friends, and I still talk to them like I was hanging out with them just yesterday.

Life is amazing, and most especially mine.
I'm blessed with amazing people like these three, and I love it.

Here's to blessings in disguises. You are all amazing.
And I suppose we shall, all 4 of us, live happily ever after. Living great lives, by each others sides.

Good people are everywhere.
I'm just lucky enough to have the privilege of calling them MY best friends.

-Natalia

"It's sweet when someone knows every detail about you. Not because you keep reminding them, but because they pay attention."

2011-10-25T02:41:00.000-07:00

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.”

"Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you. "

"When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you."

"Just love everyone. Every time someone wrongs me, I pray to understand why, and look at it through their point of view and try to see what im not seeing." -Reid Willardson

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

10/23/11 Seth and Sarabeth's engagement anniversary!

2011-10-24T00:47:00.001-07:00

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Today, I've been in a rather grateful mind process.

2011-10-23T17:40:00.000-07:00

I slept in, because I was so tired, and ended up going to the family ward, which was nice, since they had the primary program.

After church, I was reading my scriptures, and I stumbled upon 1 Nephi 13: 37 which reads:

37 And ^ablessed are they who shall seek to bring forth my ^bZion at that day, for they shall have the ^cgift and the ^dpower of the Holy Ghost; and if they ^eendure unto the end they shall be ^flifted up at the last day, and shall be saved in the everlasting ^gkingdom of the Lamb; and whoso shall ^hpublish peace, yea, tidings of great joy, how beautiful upon the mountains shall they be.

After I read that, I thought "well... am >I< trying to bring forth His Zion?" and it really hit me that I become so selfish, and so self absorbed with my own problems, that I forget why I'm really here. It's not for me, it's not for my success as much as it is for me to help others come unto Christ. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm still alive. That's why no matter what has happened medically, that has threatened my very mortal existence, I'm here. I'm here still, because I have a mission bigger than I can see, and I'm here to show those unto Christ, in a way that only I can. By example, by action, by word, by deed. There's something that only Natalia can give to others, and with my close encounters with my end, I have learned time after time, just how precious not only MY life is, but life in general. I've literally had life in my hand, like a pile of dry sand.. quickly slipping. And that sand quickly solidified and became a rock in which I could build my foundation, because I needed to see that even rocks like my life, can quickly and radically spin out of my control. And I think that sometimes I forget to be grateful for that. For my good health.

How beautiful upon the mountains will I be? I refuse to say that I have a great attitude going through any trial, because I always know I could've done a better job at dealing with things. Much like being in the hospital. I had a really hard time when I was moved from my wonderful, beloved room 421, to the opposite side of the hospital to room 711, where the room was Probably a quarter the size of 421. And I totally threw a tantrum because I honestly didn't feel comfortable in it.

My last full day in the hospital, I was given a new pain med that would help stop the itching I got from morphine (it's a normal side effect, so no worries). But when they put it in my IV, I got cold, my ears started ringing, I felt like I had 100's of spiders crawling on me, and my feet started on fire, and it just went up my whole body, and the room I was in was suddenly distant, and everyone in it, was in this entirely different atmosphere, and I just lingered in this weird state, where I KNEW that if something wasn't done, and I wasn't given Benadryl, I was going to die. And as harsh as that sounds, understand that I never get that thought. Even after surgeries, I don't think this. And I was literally in a daze, and my whole body just started shutting down. I cannot explain the feeling of knowing that your body is shutting down, but that's where I was. And I couldn't say much. I was afraid they couldn't hear me. So I said in a half whisper "I need Benadryl. NOW." and they wouldn't give it to me until the nurse came in and took my blood pressure. I had 2 doctors, and 2-3 nurses in my room, all anticipating what the blood pressure machine would say. Which scared me thus further.. and quickly after, my nurse ran up, panic in her dear, sweet eyes. Oh, how sweet my nurse Ana was.. and she quickly came in and kept saying sorry. She was the one who gave me the new pain med/ anti itching medicine. She felt awful, and you could tell. She put that Benadryl in, and I felt everything come back.. I knew right then that that wasn't my time.

Instances like that, are instances where I realize I could've been a better sport. My doctor, Dr.Tovar, was standing at the end of my bed. He wasn't in charge of my medicine, so he couldn't do anything about my reaction to the medicine, and he couldn't give me Benadryl. But I got really mad and looked at him and said "I need something... now.. now." But he did nothing, and though I knew he couldn't do anything, I got really upset with him. I thought "It's the doctors who come in and save you, right?! Why isn't he helping me? I need help, now." And here I am, with so many trials, and I wonder if I'm handling them much as my Father in Heaven would want me to?

Am I building His Zion?

Are you?

-Natalia

I really don't

2011-10-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

have any deep thoughts, since I'm still busy processing the ones going on.
It's a disappointment when you see someone who had so much hope and potential in, and they just walk away from it. It's hard to deal with, really..

And that's what I'm processing.

Kinda gets you thinking about what you've done, and who you've become.

Which is sayin, I need to start bettering myself again. I need the clean up.

Here's a thank you to an awesome life..
And I still can't get over how awesome my mom is, just saying. I love my mom to shreds. She's fantastic. Seriously.

What keeps you from taking everything?

2011-10-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

That the Lord has to offer you?
What mistake(s) in your past, stop you from progressing?
One of the best people I know, taught me that the Lord will never work in negativity. He will not throw what you have done, or what you think you are, in your face. He will show you who you can be, your potential, and the good that you are capable of becoming. You are capable of so much, and if the Lord has few moments to influence your thoughts since Satan is hard at work, why would they be that of negativity? We already have Satan for that. Satan will tear you down, throw mud at you, laugh at your pain, egg you on, and tell you you're not worth it; Satan will destroy you, if you let him.

I've come to find, having made my own mistakes, that Satan will do his best to destroy you. He never sleeps, for he will never be happy, and he thinks he finds happiness in the small pains of our day to day lives, so why would he sleep, when he and those who follow him can relentlessly belittle, and destroy each of us?

Heavenly Father loves you. He loves you, and He walks by your side, helping you with what you need. He's always there to love, to support, and to encourage. He's the voice we hear at the end of each day, telling us that we can do it. We can conquer our mistakes and sins, when we let ourselves see Who we really are. When we see ourselves as we really are.

Who is better to show us of our potential than the one Man who suffered from every pore, and suffered all our sins? Oh what a comfort it is to know that he not only made a way for us to live again, eternally, but he created a way for us to never be alone in suffering. We are never alone in our trials, in our pains, and in that which hurts us. He knows exactly how we feel, and He knows what we need. He will always be there to help us, to hold us, and to be by our side from now, until the end of all things. Which means that we are never alone, and only the workings of Satan could deter us from the truth. The truth that He is always there. He is always near. He always loves us, and He will never leave us comfortless.

I love knowing that I will always be given a chance to right my wrongs. The moment I feel I've done something that will stick with me, for the worse, is the moment in which I'm allowed to turn around, and re-try.

We are never alone.

Never let a mistake, a broken commandment, or self-shame stop you from receiving all the blessings of the Lord, and all that he has to offer you. He will never make you feel less than you are, but will instead show you your potential; the best you can be. He will push you for the better, he will support you, love you, and help you become your best. He will help you get to where you want and need to be. Never forget that.

-Natalia

When you have time to think

2011-10-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

one of the biggest realizations that I've been grasping, is that my mom has been the biggest blessing in my life. There's no one else who knows me quite as well as my mom, and I feel like a jerk for thinking she knew me so little. Every hospital visit is usually the same, except this time around. This time, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and 2 days. My mom stayed with me, and canceled all her appointments to stay with me in the hospital, which is a big deal. Just today (the 19th) she canceled going with Bonnie to her appointments, because it was my first full day home. I cannot even begin to express my love for my mom. She has always been there for me.

I was reminded of where my stubborn, persistent side came from. The nurses and doctors wouldn't come and give me enough pain meds to even sleep, and while resting after having been given pain meds, my Mother argued that my nurses and doctors weren't giving me enough attention, and that I shouldn't have to be waking up in pain, and waiting 30-45 minutes for pain meds. She got me the pain relief I had been needing, and I didn't even realize it until she told me a few days later. I love my mom for this.

Words cannot describe the gratitude i have for her. She has shown me how to be strong, and she has shown me when it's alright to cry. I would be lost, medically speaking, without my mom. She helped me get out of bed every day, and walk to the bathroom. She stayed in the restroom, and helped with things that would embarrass most girls to even think about having their mom help with. She never cease to amaze me. Her love is ever evident in the way she treats my family, and namely me. I cannot even begin to explain how much love and support she has shown and given me.

I think this is one of the many lessons Heavenly Father has been wanting to teach me. I really do love my mom, and I would do just about anything for her. She has given me so much, and her selflessness, and her dropping everything for me in my biggest time of need, is something I will never forget.

There were countless others who showed their love and support time after time while I was in the hospital. Nyssa, Digory and Evelyn visited quite often, and I loved hearing their little knock on my hospital door every time, cause there was no mistaking who it was. Rachel and Tally were really a big help. They stayed the night with me while my mom was birthing a baby, and I was dealing with one of my less favorite of nurses. Visitors like Amy Cotter, and Katie Wynn, were one of many who took time to come and visit me, and I absolutely love that they did.

I find it weird that around 7pm I don't have my night nurses coming in to check on me.. I always liked the night nurses more so than the day ones (but don't tell the day time nurses). In the morning, Dr. Tovar, Dr.Naheem and many others would stop by.. making their morning rounds.

The little things that you miss, are always the oddest. But I will never forget the love I have for my mom, and for the sacrifices she makes for me, and for my family.
Even though she doesn't understand the kind of pain I'm in, she does her best to help me get the comfort I need.. I really do love my mom.

Mom, I have no idea what I'd do without you. I love you more than words can describe, and I hope you know that I remember the night that I had to take 2 kinds of Benadryl, and woke you up a few times, to remind you that I love you, and to express my love and gratitude for others. I may have been drugged, but my words will always hold true. I will always, always love you. Thank you for everything. I'm sorry my low moods seem to throw off the whole fact that I love you. Never forget that I do, mom. I will always love you.

-Natalia

All I want for Christmas...

2011-10-17T00:41:00.000-07:00

Each year, my favorite holiday comes around; Christmas! Christmas is my favorite holiday, not because of the gifts, but because of the memories that go back all the way to when I was a teeny little girl.

In fact, thinking about it, gifts and presents are the one thing I really have an issue with around Christmas, because I usually don't have anything I want or need. If I want or need anything, it's generally small, and I'm able to go out and get it for myself.

But as I'm laying here in bed, I've found myself thinking up a list of what I really want for Christmas. Having had so many close calls the past 2 weeks I've been at the hospital, I've thought of a lot of things that really DO matter to me, and I figured out that these things are things that I want for Christmas. I find it intriguing, and almost special that while in the midst of thinking of my most beloved holiday, filled with such cherished memories and warm thoughts, that the only thing I realized I wanted this coming Christmas, happen to be the following:

To have my brother Jonathan and sister in-law Caroline come down with my niece and nephew.
To have my good friends, Andy and Robert visit (Well, Andy, and the Burke family) and enjoy the holidays with us.
To go to Nauvoo, since I haven't done that since my 18th birthday, and I think it would be totally awesome to go in wintertime (cause I haven't yet!)
To get a big group together, make little baskets with gifts and such, and have that same big group come with me a distribute them to all the nurses at Cooks and JPS. And have a big basket with little gifts for them to distribute to their patients and leave enough for them to take home and share with their own family's. I may be taking it a little overboard, slightly, but these nurses have been amazing to me, and in my opinion, any nurse working Christmas eve or Christmas, deserve more than I could ever give them.
A nice body pillow. Robert had it SPOT ON a few years ago. Sadly, my body pillows were left in Provo and are now long gone.
A nice masseuse. Yeah. Someone to scratch my back. I'm in the hospital still, and I literally just got done having my back scratched by my mom. It was heavenly... she's a saint!

Those things are rather few, but these are all people I miss. In fact, it would be an even greater gift to get us all to Nauvoo together! How awesome of a reunion would it be to have Robert and me there again?! 'cept... he wouldn't be wearing a kilt, or playing bagpipes. But I'm sure I could totally convince him to, just for me. Since he is such a gracious, wonderful, awesome guy ;)

But I seriously miss my brother, my sister in-law and my niece and nephew. It's one of those things where it hits ya just how much you miss them, and you get all worked up and think "Well.. I wanna see them now. " but I think that's how anyone is with family, and people that they care about. Which, I think we're all allowed to get worked up, for people like this. Cause I miss Robert just as much, which I've told him. And sadly, he and I can't think of the next time we'll be able to see each other, which has us both rather bummed out. I miss these people, and I really would love to see them all again.

Oh, if I were made of time and money..

I'm hopefully getting out of here in the next few days (HOPEFULLY), and I'll be able to get up and move around at home. I honestly miss my cat, Lilah. They say she's getting big, and that scares me.. since she was my kitten when I left home to go to the hospital! *wewf*

I'll keep those of you who read this, updated.

Keep smiling, and always remember that there's always a reason and lesson for everything, and that they will always come in the right season. You'll never be left alone, or wandering. He will always help you progress.. Always.

-N May

An update for you all (Pictures at the bottom)

2011-10-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems that Facebook, Twitter, Projectplaylist, Hulu and many other of my forms of entertainment on the web, have all been blocked by the JPS internet line I'm using.. and I'm not quite sure why? But thankfully, I still have my blog to get onto!

So, this week has been a mix of emotions. Mostly emotions of missing the smell of fresh air. I'm not a huge fan of being in bed all the time, but you know, I'm able to get up and move around.. even if it is uncomfortable with drains being in.

I've met some of the nicest, and funniest of people while being here, and honestly, I'm proud to say that these people whom I speak of, and hold in high regard, are my nurses and doctors.

Because of my visit here, and the wonderful...blessing... of pain meds and it's gift of making me scatter brained, a happy accident came about, all because I spoke my mind about my feelings. Even if I did freak out at first.

I'm about 80% sure that I'm going to be majoring as a nurse now, and I really feel this is something I need to do. I'm comfortable with hospitals, I've definitely had my share of time at them, and now I'm 21, and I'm realizing that this would be most beneficial to me, as a career, more than any other career path would. I feel like it's where I need to go, and I'm praying about it, and conversing with Heavenly Father, making sure this is what I NEED to be doing. The nurses and doctors at this hospital, really have been my inspiration. I have honestly had some pretty phenomenal nurses, and having experienced the few times where I've had some questionable nurses (personality clash, not poor nursing abilities), and because of them, they push me, being such a people person who honestly cares about the most random people who I don't even know, to become a nurse. I know best as to what it's like to be in their shoes. I can empathize, and I think that's a huge key to this job, especially when I want to go towards pediatrics. Going into pediatric nursing, with a minor in Children's Psychology, I think this definitely is more along the lines of something that makes more sense than Music Ed. and Children's Psych happens to be.

It's nice to KNOW that my Father in Heaven hears and answers my prayers. No matter my past, no matter YOUR past, He will be by your side always. The bad days, the good days. When you're confused, lost and hurt. When everything you once knew becomes something your doubts are wrapped around, He is there. He knows YOU He knows me, and He hears my troubles, He loves me, He holds me... He has most especially held me when I just wanted to cry, give up and leave this stupid physical body of mine. I can honestly say that this past week, I have asked Him why I'm still here. After my surgery on October 3rd, My heart rate flew up to 150, my temp went to almost 105... My body crashed. I was asleep, and would've slipped into death without even knowing it. And that scares me. I'm here at the hospital, at 1:31 am and I'm haunted by 50 things that I feel like I would regret not doing/saying if I were to go to sleep, and slip into such a thing again.

They honestly thought I was going to die. Had it not been for modern medicine, I would have.

Why am I still here?

Twice this week. Not just that time.

Logically, I shouldn't be here..I passed by slipping by.

Why?

That's what I was asking my Father in Heaven. Why was I still here? I've hit many lows, and I've had him there when I thought I was most alone. He held me when I thought no one understood.

I had a dream, after having a really low night where I honestly tried to think of someone who understood me. Someone who knew how I felt. I had been suffering with people calling me a complainer, that I was whining, and that I needed to grow up.

I felt so alone. Like me suffering, was something no one could ever understand. Here I was, unable to be in control of my own pain... as I shut my eyes that night, my best and closest friend, Robert, was in my dream. I was sitting on the curb of an old abandoned house in the country.. It was freezing outside, and I remember I had been walking, tired and weary, I sat, crying.. confused as to what I was suppose to do. The road wasn't ending, and I was stuck in the cold, in the country, alone. And I stood up, crying, and upset, and I kept going. As I walked, a convenience store came up on the horizon. When I entered this store, my family was there, all concerned, they asked "Where have you been?! We've been looking for you everywhere. You're suppose to be here with us." and I kinda said sorry, and felt comfortable in my family's presence. Suddenly, my mom was rushing us out saying "We have to go!! Now!!" I thought "Oh, another birth." and I walked outside.. and to the left, was Robert Burke and his family. I looked at him for a good minute, we didn't break eye contact, and we both walked towards each other with our arms out-stretched. He wrapped his arms around me, and we were both shaking from the sobs we couldn't control. And he said in a low whisper"I've missed you.. I've missed you so much. I thought I lost you." and I tightened my grip around him and said "You're the one that I thought I had lost." and he took his large hand (he's definitely a bigger guy than my small stature) and he wrapped his hand around my head, and pulled me in.
After 5 minutes or so, he let go, and I went and said hello to his family, and after we finished our conversing, I then started to walk to my family's car. Following after me was a group of 3 or 4 people pushed me to the ground, and started kicking me, and I cried out for help and within moments, Robert tore back the thugs who were literally beating me up, he grabbed me, pulled me in, and kept walking to my car. These guys were kicking, spitting and doing everything to Robert, as he took me to my car. I looked at him, and he said "They can't touch you in your car. I promise you. " he put me in my family's car, and left. I didn't see him the rest of my dream.. but I did see a lot of people from church. I was now in a setting at work. I had many people trying to find me, and I didn't know why. So I quickly left work, and continued to walk in the same cold, damp weather.

I remember I started walking down a path that wasn't leading anywhere again. I kept going, and found myself at a new house. Smaller, but abandoned. I sat, in despair, in front of this house thinking "I can't do this anymore.. I don't know where Robert went, I don't know where my family went. I'm alone, and I can't do this anymore." And suddenly, a man was standing in front of me. He had warmth radiating from him, cause even with my face down on my knees, I could feel it. By the time this man had come, I physically felt unable to continue. As I turned to look up, this man picked me up, and said "I didn't walk this road for you, for nothing. You cannot do this on your own, which is why I'm here. You will not fail, we will find your friends and family, and they will continue to be the blessings you were given, because of your faithfulness in the pre-mortal existence." I looked up, and with dreams of such matter, I never remember the face after waking up. But when I looked at him, I knew it was Him. He picked me up and said "Robert is waiting, and so are so many others. Do NOT give up on yourself, because they haven't. You will conquer this, as long as you keep your faith (words, mimicking a blessing my brother had given me days before)" I looked at this Man, knowing who He was, and said "But I'm confused... I didn't know Robert missed me. I didn't know..." and he closed his eyes and said "We lose so much in life, because we refuse to fight for what we love, even if it means we have to take a leap of pure faith."

This dream made perfect sense a few days later.

We miss so much, by being so afraid.

We know what we love, we know what is good for us, and we KNOW the people who will bless us in our lives.

But we just let things rot. I would've, trust me.. I was bitter, and confused. I prayed so hard, I was bawling by the end, BEGGING for a sign. Pleading for help. I poured out the desires of my heart, and the Lord knew how I felt. And He... He really pushed things along.

Do not lose that which you KNOW is good, which you cannot go a day without thinking about. If you live a good life, if you are praying for guidance, and they stay on your mind whenever you think of the same thing, over and over again, don't ignore it.

Life is TOO SHORT. This mortal thingy we have... it's so short, and we think we'll live FOREVER, which is true, but our chance to gain all that we want, by working our hardest, is SO LIMITED.

Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.

Take me sharing that dream, as a compliment. I have found so much meaning from my dreams, and I love that I'm blessed with dreams to help guide my life.. they have gotten me far. They have helped me abundantly. Do not EVER forget Who You Really Are. Ever.

You were created to be something magnificent. Don't let someone tell you you're mediocre. You KNOW better. And if you do not know, then please Remember. You were Created magnificent, and that cannot diminish.. only your memory of such truths, can.

Heavenly Father sends us people who will love and protect us until the day we DIE. You can call on them, and they will not only protect you from physical harms all about you, but also from the harms of Satan, and those who DAILY strive to tear you down.

We have people who remind us why we fight. Their love for us, their pure kindness and care, is the biggest example to us, that we ARE worth it, cause really.. we are. We are worth more than words can describe, and He's up there blessing us with those who will show US how to be Examples unto OTHERS, like they have been unto us. Forget not that you are worth absolutely everything.

I have been blessed with absolutely amazing friends. Robert Burke, and Andy Anderson.

These young men know THE MOST about me, more than anyone else.. aside from my family, and doctors, of course.

These young men have been there to cheer me up, to befriend me, and to love me, no matter the circumstances. I have no idea where I would be, without these young men. 2 years without them seems like I've been tricked into going so long, without their positive influences, and wonderful friendships.

I cannot even believe I have been blessed to know the 2 most influential of people. These young men carry attitudes of the best, the armor of the strongest, and they are the most kind of people. Their sincere kindness, and their caring, fun, and humorous personalities, draw you in, and meeting them, has been one of the biggest blessings in all my life.

They have changed ME, by THEIR examples. For 2 years, I took myself 1,200 miles away, and I took every attribute about people that I liked, and I MADE myself like them. These young men carry attitudes, personalities, and qualities that I took THE MOST from.

While I have my flaws, and I'm still learning, I know that my chill attitude, and my desire to give others THE BEST, is because of them. They are phenomenal.

If God were to bless me with the best people out there, I think I could say it's already been done. They really are God sent.

Find your blessings. Love them, and keep them.

I have.

While I may be struggling here in the hospital, these young men are the reason I have such a good attitude, and a huge smile on my face. DAILY, one, or the other will remind me of why it is that I keep fighting. Heavenly Father lets me know that I'm here for a reason, I'm not alone, and that I WILL conquer this trial.. it is for my better good. And I will use it according to that which he said in my Blessing.

I'll beat this thing!

My pain meds are wearing off, and I have surgery in the morning sometime, so I best get my meds, then head off to sleep. Thank YOU JPS for not blocking Youtube. It has helped me stay sane long enough to write this out ;) Music always inspires the topics in which I write about on my Blog.. and I am grateful for such a wonderful, emotional, universal language.

I'll update after the surgery. Let everyone know how I'm doing. Thanks everyone!

Here's my Niece, Evie!

Haha, Digs and I were being goofy. This was Sunday. My first day at the hospital.

Digs and Evie came to visit on Friday! I had finally made it out of ICU.

So... my mom and my sister Rachel got into a fight... and I'm not sure who won.

They all look happy, eh? Sunday, after I had finally gotten a room!

My niece and me.. and my face having a swelling/itching reaction to Hydrocodone.

More visitors! It was a party.

I'm

2011-10-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

in the hospital. Waiting for a roaringly horrible infection to be taken care of, then stents will be placed...

I've been here for a week and a day... welcome to life. My life. *sigh*

I'm done with this whole laying in bed doing nothing junk.

G'night world... I'm exhausted.. again.

Keep praying.

You best

2011-09-30T02:57:00.000-07:00

be prayin'.
My side is killing me...
Honestly, the pain is honestly putting me in weird fits.

Aside from that, I'm really lovin' life. I'm hitting weird patches, but they last for mere moments. I then carry on, and it's nice.

Here's to good people..
Seriously thought, please say a prayer for me on behalf of my side.. =/

Time to keep going!

2011-09-26T23:21:00.000-07:00

Here's to reality.
Here's to actions speaking louder than words.
Here's to what I thought was something gutsy.
Here's to finding out that telling you exactly how I feel about you, was my way of finally letting go.
Here's to a great ward.
Here's to good days, filled with laughter.
Here's to good friends, and good family.
Here's to walking away.. knowing that I'm more of a restriction to who you really are, than a help.
He's still out there.
Faith in that keeps me going, keeps me striving, building, and strengthening. It's funny though.. right now, I'm not looking for anything. So here's to school, and to work. To church, and to my calling(s).

For the first time since fall of '09, I'm done with the whole game. I'm done looking, I'm ready to be all about me. Here's to getting my education, to moving up in my job.
Sorry, but i don't play the waiting game. Ever. Putting my hope in something that has been betrayed before? Yeah, aint happenin'.

So here's me putting all my hope and faith into whatI know to be true.
Here's to an amazing life. Here's to the future, and the joys, and blessings of the present.

Good statuses that I read on Facebook.

2011-09-22T01:48:00.000-07:00

"We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her, a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her, a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly, a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her, a man who believes he is God's gift to women and a man who remembers that a woman was God's gift to man."

"A REAL woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She is always well dressed, hair done. She never yells and always behaves gracefully in all situations & in all circumstances. Post this as your status if you too, have just realized that you might be a man."

"Now I lay me down to sleep, One less terrorist this world does keep; With all my heart, I give my thanks; To those in uniform, regardless of ranks; You serve our country and serve it well, With humble hearts your stories tell; So as I rest my weary eyes; While freedom rings, our flag still flies; You give your all, do what you must. With God we live and in God we trust!!!! Amen
Please re-post in memory of 9-11."

‎"You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change."

Jim Rohn

The weirdest feeling

2011-09-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

Is when you once trusted someone, and knew that even though you were scared to tell them something, that you'd, gladly, be reminded that nothing would scare them off. Nothing was too much, and nothing left any taints, and if there were taints, they were taken care of quite promptly. Nothing was ever left to sour.

I'm not someone who's too big into opening up. I'm opinionated, and I share my opinions openly. If something continues to bother me after I've told myself it'll be over with shortly (which works with my brain, and such) that's when I up and say how I feel.

I've reached a stage where I really struggle with trusting anyone. And that's bad. I've become so terrified that I'm going to end up with another empty promise, and I'll be a little less able to bear the life I'm presently in.

What hurts, is when you try to address the change that's happened between you and another, you're reminded that nothing's changed, you believe it, and BAM! Reality.

Soon enough, this vile world will take over everything that once meant something, and that scares me. I don't know who to trust, who you confide in, and I don't even know if there's anyone standing by my side.

Am I on that lonely, undiscovered path? The path in which I must do something to change what's going on, or I'll start dwindling in some form of a one-was path..
They say have faith... but what am I holding onto?
I'm back to where I was 2 years ago. Everything's exactly the same, except my emotional state. Unlike 2 years ago, I'm actually sound enough to know that I'm ok, and that I am able to go wherever I'd like. So... what do I do?

2011-09-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

Sick Sad World. (clipped to polyvore.com)

Jealous hearts will leave us all in ruins; (clipped to polyvore.com)

Don't Mind Me, I'm Only Dying (clipped to polyvore.com)

--// (clipped to polyvore.com)

when we love, we look pretty (clipped to polyvore.com)

imgfave - amazing and inspiring images (clipped to polyvore.com)

Deadly little thoughts. (clipped to polyvore.com)

quotes | Tumblr (clipped to polyvore.com)

" and i'll be anything you ask and more. " (clipped to polyvore.com)

Tumblr (clipped to polyvore.com)

Years Around The Sun † (clipped to polyvore.com)

imgfave - amazing and inspiring images (clipped to polyvore.com)

Thinking, thinking

2011-09-06T18:53:00.000-07:00

Life is as you make it.
Life is only as awkward as you make it.
Life is only as great as you make it.
Life is how you perceive it.
Life is made up of a bunch of days where we're continually winging it.

You can be wise and happy, or stupid and miserable. The choice is yours.

Provo is in 2 1/2 months... Well, 2 3/4 months.
PROVO!!
Life is great... I love my job. I love my family. I love my friends, and I love all of the little blessings that come along.

One day, every hurt will make sense, until then I get to make up, to the best of my ability, for what has been done. I pray for strength, guidance, and selfless love.. and for a strong pair of shoes.

"Her blood was yours... your blood is mine."

2011-09-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

I've come to learn that anything true, and anything truly meant to be...
isn't tainted by distance or time.

You gotta figure things out, and you gotta figure them out quickly.
Some people just don't want you in their life, and it hurts to know that.
Some people let go before you did, some after you did..
Some let go, even when you never will.

If you honestly believe that something is true, you hold onto that, and you never let that go.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Do it wholeheartedly.

Point is... I came to realize that I could up and go to Africa like I've been planning for a few years, and live the remainder of my days there, and I don't think I'd quite make up for whatever it is I seem to have done.
I seem to have repelled anything and everything good in my life, and I'm having to learn to cope with that.

It's hard, but one day, I will sit with a peaceful heart and mind...
One day.

Random pictures. Enjoy.

2011-09-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

Fact:

2011-08-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

-With all my friends home from their missions, I've come to realize how different things are panning out than I had planned. You think I'd learn that life never goes according to plan..
-I never knew that I'd meet as amazing of people as I have... never would have imagined. Now that I know them, I'm wondering how I COULDN'T know them.
-Kirsten is my best friend, and sister. Above all though, she is my best friend, and that's a huge blessing that I love.
-Sometimes you have to take a risk, trust where you told yourself you wouldn't EVER trust again, and you have to have faith in that which you promised yourself you'd never have faith in again.
-Stephanie Rucker, Mari Winward, Cory Francis, Baird Harbin, Brendon Farley, Kirsten May, Marthe Winward, Eric Davis, James Kirkland, and a few others... these are my good friends. And I love them so very much! It's weird, I've known some of these people for YEARS, some, I've only met recently. Either way, I'm just now taking the time to build something great with all of them.. I'm blessed.
-I'm so excited for Provo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could post the dates on here without compromising an awesome surprise.
-I love my job, but I need a stinkin vacation. NOW.
-I have the cutest kitten, her name's Delilah, and she likes to stand/sit on my shoulders like she's a parrot. Yes, even SHE'S a part of the pirate life in her own way.
-I am blessed beyond reason. People have this way of pushing me to be better, mostly by thinking that I'm unchangeable. And I don't like that idea. I'll never change from being stubborn and happy.. but I will do my best to be my best, and sometimes I'll have to change things TO be my best, and TO be happy.

Let's do this thang!!

I'm grateful

2011-08-30T04:35:00.000-07:00

for someone who loves me, even if I do have a little bit of baggage.
for someone who's willing to stick by my side, both THICK and THIN.
for someone who I can love, and I know that it's taken in, and accepted.

Life is a good teacher, and sleep is amazing.
Make today a good one, y'all!

-Me

You can't

2011-08-29T22:04:00.001-07:00

compete with someone who's years ahead of you.

That's it.

This is one of those times where Facebook, Chat, and Twitter aren't a good idea... so I'll head to bed.

Take one step at a time

2011-08-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

I hit these bends in the road, where I'm genuinely unhappy about things, and they're hard to back peddle around. It's like trying to back peddle on an upward slope.
I've made it back to the top though, and I like it. One of the many things I've done my best to teach myself, with the help of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, is to see things just as small as they really are, in the eternal perspective. My hardest trial within the past few weeks has been the 1 year anniversary of Ben's death. The pain of that was something I was good at hiding, but I finally just took a night and I let my heart grieve for his loss. I had told myself that missing him, and crying over him, was my way of not having an eternal perspective. It was my way of not seeing the bigger picture, and that I was keeping his memory in vain.

After I cried it out, I started praying, I said "Ben, I know you wouldn't have me do this, but I guess that even Jesus' mother, Mary, cried when he was hanging on the cross. Even Jesus cried when he bled from every pore. It's not that your memory is in vain, it's that I wouldn't let myself honestly believe that your loss was something I was allowed to give attention to." I then prayed that he'd be by my side, and he was. It was the strangest thing. The 1 year anniversary of his death, was one of the happiest days I'd had in a long time. I worked an awesome shift with some really great people, and I honestly had this warm, light weight feeling the entire shift. That same shift, I ended up helping a woman. Her car had overheated, and she didn't know why. She asked for help, because she had no idea what to do. I told her I'd help her, without a seconds hesitation. I ended up filling up a bucket with water, I too it out to her car, and I pointed out where the water needed to go. She was so surprised. She came in and waited 30 minutes for her car to cool down, and she had her mother (who only spoke spanish) with her. This lady's mother came up to me, and much to my surprise, I pulled out the little, but sufficient amount of spanish I had, and I expressed my gratitude to them for coming into this QT, because I couldn't have imagined them stranded somewhere. I went between spanish with her mom, and english with this lady.

I helped them with their car, and in the end, they both hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. The lady's mom said something in spanish, and I wasn't sure what she said. I turned to the lady and she gave me a second hug, and she said "She said you are sent from God; you are our angel."
And that really stuck.

I had a few more down days after that, but I've since picked myself up, and I've been going head first into everything, with a big smile on my face, and I love it!

Here's to one great day down, and an eternity of them to go.
Ben, I knew you were there, just like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were... they could feel ya. Just like they could feel that I was God sent.

Life is too good. Just keep loving it!

-N.May

It will all make sense eventually.

2011-08-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

The fact that I can't say what I mean to say, because my heart is hurting too much, at that moment.
A sinking heart just... kills.
If I'm serious, and I'm deeply sharing my feelings about something, then I mean it.

I cannot take one more joke. I CANNOT take one more insult that you KNOW is going to upset me, and then run back saying "I'm sorry!!!!!" when I... get UPSET!
Wow, logic. Who uses that these days? Pssh.

Oh goodness. Sleep time.
3 1/2 months.. only have 3 1/2 more months... 3 1/2 more months.. 3 and a freakin half more to go...
Gosh Provo, I can't WAIT to be back. Livin' in my city of choice.
It'll be fantastic.

I'm tired of compliments... especially when the regular conversation and actions contradict those "kind words"...
Oh man, mean what you say, or freakin stuff it.

A very grumpy, tired, and hurt,
Natalia May...

Old but still true from 7/10/11

2011-08-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

And I know that it's so cliche to tell you I feel this way, but every day spent with you is the new best day of my life

Daily ha-ha, and a note to my friends just coming home from their missions!

2011-08-11T02:08:00.000-07:00

(Har Har Har!... actually, this song makes me laugh more than you think. ENJOY.)

And a note to muh boys!

2011-07-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I don't know what to say

2011-07-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

But I say it anyways. I mean, why think something, and have it waste away in your thoughts?

Sometimes it seems like the moment everything's put on the table, it seems that people just settle back into a routine they were use to, previously before you came into their life.

I don't understand that.
Provo, Utah, I will be visiting you VERY soon. And by VERY soon, I mean, in less than a month.. and then again in December. Gotta get my snow boarding/skiing in (since I missed it last winter!)

Here's to me, looking up to this next forever.. This forever of mine, is mine alone. I get to give it to whomever I feel I can trust with it, and here's to a life I'm going to be careful to plan. I'm letting things happen as they play out. *sigh*

Here's to things not seeming new, things getting old way too quickly, and to people not cherishing the little things in life.
Here's to you. Look at everything as if it were either the first or the last time you're going to see it.
Life is shorter than we think. Time flies so quickly. Love deeply, Care abundantly, and treat others graciously.

Work your hardest, and love the most you can. Dance in the rain, kiss with pure sincerity, and hug with wholehearted love. Laugh at the small and big things, hurt when you should, and grow when the opportunity presents itself. If life isn't making you lemonade, and is seems the lemons are piling high, maybe it's trying to tell you it's doing more work than you; grab your knife, grab a juicer, and get to work! This is your life, are you who you want to be?

Here it goes.

2011-07-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

I've hit a slump. It's a slump of reality. I'm now at the point where I look back, and my teen years honestly look like they were forever ago. I'm honestly looking ahead, unsure of what's there, but I know I'll make it, and I have to. I have nothing that I can honestly see.

Here's to my 21st birthday. 11 years ago today, I hit my first birthday where I cried instead of getting excited. I was 10. I looked at my birthday cake, I looked at those 10 candles, and life hit me. I cried because I realized that I'd never be 9 again. Ever. My chance to be 9 was over, and 10 was my next step. So here I am, realizing I only have one chance to be 21.
1 Chance. If each age is a chapter, I only have 1 try to make 21. There's no re-writing.. if something happens where I need to, I can completely get rid of, and forget, a part of that chapter.
How many more chapters or even how long of a certain part of one of my chapters, will people who matter most, be in it? How long will they end up being in my life for?
How will this one be titled be in the end? What will God think of this chapter in my life when he sees it? What is he thinking of it, thus far?

I could sit here for hours, and wonder these things, but it will only leave me sitting here, wasting time away that can and will be used for writing stories in my life, that will be worth while, one day. A lot of my stories do mean a lot to me, already. A lot of them almost seem unreal, like they happened in a different life.

Here I am, and I'm wondering, at 10 would I have ever guessed that I would have ended up where I am today? I didn't see myself this far in life, at all when I was 10. At 10, I was waiting until I could go to Young Women's.. Until I could go to Stake Dances. I would have never guessed.

Be thou not dismayed

2011-07-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

What would you do, if you loved someone so much, that it honestly, and sincerely terrified you?? Not because they're a bad person, not because they treat you poorly.. but because you're afraid that when it comes down to being what they, and the world wants, that you won't listen, and they'll be done with you?

What would you do if you were flooded with emotions and memories of everything that once was, and you looked at what you saw, and what you have, and you realize that you would give ANYTHING to keep it going, and you would stick with what you have, until the end of time? What would you do if you got scared because you cared so much? You cared so much that your heart was beating 10 times louder, and faster than normal, and suddenly you start to panic?

When I turned 18, I had no idea, in any way shape or form, that dating would be like this. That any relationship would be like this. That all hurt would be THIS bad, and all the scars gained would be of this much value?

21 in less than 2 days. 2 years ago, I would have never ever EVER pictured me being here.
19, young, innocent, care free, hurt free... I had no idea.
I think of Frodo anytime I think of my life. Sometimes I feel like just getting on that ship, and sailing into the west.
Some days, I get to thinking, and I get so engrossed with my thoughts, that I realize so much about my life. I look at where I've been, who I've met, and what I've seen, and I realize that I sometimes look at past experiences, go through stories in my life, and they almost seem like stories that happened to someone else. The way I was mentally, emotionally, and physically back then, is almost shocking.
The way I feel now, how I go about life, and about things in general, in comparison to the moody, selfish, lost, and insecure Natalia that I was, are so different. Someone could turn and say "You're ugly" and I'd probably roll my eyes, sarcastically say thank you, and walk away..
I feel worn, sometimes...
I sometimes feel like I should write my story.. I can vividly recall my life from age 13 until now.. And it has effected me more than people know. My memory, my ability to recall all things in my past, really has shaped me.

What are we doing today? Who are we becoming by our simple choices today, that will, without a doubt, and without our consent, effect us, our lives, our family's lives, our future family's lives, and generations to come? What are you doing today? What am I doing today? What is it that we have done today that will make for continually better tomorrows?
Are we going out of our way to reach out to those we have never met before? Are we continually being our best? Thinking the best of thoughts, saying the best of things? Are we taking time to consider what it is that our thoughts, words, actions, and our demeanor are doing to others? How we are pointedly effecting others?

Have you taken today, knelt in prayer, and seeked guidance from our Father in Heaven, who is someone who just so happens to have our interests, happiness, feelings, outcome, futures, and present, in his best interest? Have you taken the time to honestly count your blessings? Have you righrted your wrongs, have you asked frogiveness? Have you tried a little harder, to be a little better? Have you taken a moment to look at yourself, and the path you're on, and figured out how to get to the path you want to be on? Are you who you want to be? Is this world what you want it to be, and are you helping it reach that destination?

Faith without works is dead. Never underestimate the power of a smile, a kind gesture, or a slow, time taken act of kindness. There's no better time to take your time to do the right thing, then Now.

Be not afraid of what this world will say, do not listen to the critics, let no one's opinion effect your desire, drive and ability to do what you know is right, at all times, in all places, and in all things.

No matter who you are, people are always watching. People are always hoping. People are always praying.

"In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of even greater importance."

-N.May

I've come to realize

2011-07-21T23:24:00.000-07:00

very many different things about me, and mainly, it's that I don't share me feelings like I use to.
It became quite apparent that I honestly have a hard time sharing my feelings with people. And the biggest sign of trust that I've found, is that I'm able to be in those situation where I can FINALLY open up and say what I want, and share my feelings with someone. And it's finally happened.
I could sit here and write about every feeling that I'm feeling right now, but I know that many will read this, and to be honest, my deeper, and stronger feelings, aren't things I'd share with you guys.

I use to, though. I use to share my feelings on this thing constantly, and the more I heard about people hating on the fact that I expressed myself, the more I realized that people are nothing but attention getters.
Here's to you guys, you win! My feelings aren't yours to read, so no need to complain. Here's to the one who does know my feelings. The person who makes me smile, who listens to my frustrations, who has my heart completely, and wholly. Here's to one person who has changed everything. I am absolutely scared to love this person as much as I do, but I know it's not a waste in the least. I look at life, and I realize that I can't change the past.. you who have voiced your opinions now have put me in a more mature, and more controlled way of expressing myself.

Congratulations to all who have given me reason to distrust them. Here's to you.
I wish I could express myself again, and feel absolutely comfortable doing it.. but I don't and I can't.
Life will suck, no matter what happens, if you don't change how you live your life.

I've come to realize that I'm not entirely upset that I keep my feelings to myself.. because when I find someone who I can trust with my feelings.

Here's to my life, which is a life that I love entirely.

-N.May

2011-07-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

"Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you. God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God love encompasses us completely. He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked. What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us."
— Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Just one moment...

2011-07-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

That's ALL it takes. That's really it.. and that moment has passed on by. That moment was our moment, and can I say that I'm glad.

Ahh!!! Yep. Yes, yes, anddd did I mention yes?

Life is good. Life is fantastic. Lovin' it, and livin' it.
1 month until Thomas, Brenton, Robert, Merrick, Andy, and countless other friends of mine, get home from their missions. Odd how this is the first time in a little over a month, that I've honestly thought about this.

It's a good thing I'm loving my life right now, so there's really no need to constantly think about them. It's a WAY good thing because they use to be the awesome guys and thinking about them was one of those "Man.. life's been really sucky since they left." moments. But here I am, loving what I've got, and man am I freakin EXCITED to see what happens!!

Loving it all.

-N.May

Drama-llama.. I love a stressful night.

2011-07-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

Meh.
I feel all.. girly.
Girly, because I'm taking 2 years worth of emotions, and suddenly... I'm thinking "Wait. This is real." and I kinda have to slap myself in the face.

Good things can be overwhelming for someone like me sometimes, but it doesn't take long for me to get over it, laugh at the awesomeness of life, and keep on smilin'!

-N.May

Just to make sure

2011-07-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

my last blog wasn't aimed at a situation that happened today/last night.

Looking at it now, I realize it could be taken as such, but I didn't aim it at that situation at all. =/

On a lighter note, I'm ready for tonight! I'm way excited to go do... whatever! *sigh* It's nice being able to do just about anything, with someone who couldn't care any less than you do, as to what you end up doing.

Awesome people, awesome life! Taking life's mistakes, and learning from them.. "It's only a mistake if you never learn from it."

Let's DO this thang!!

Here's to every person who thinks their opinion is the right one for everyone...

2011-07-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

RETARDED.
Opinion is opinion on a lot of things. I don't usually take the word of someone who will tell me what to do.. and follow it with "but I'm not telling you what to do.. not at all what I'm TRYING to do." Well, if you're trying, you have FAILED.

Case closed. Life goes on. You still annoy everyone.
And your opinion still isn't law. Tough love.

-N.May

And out of nowhere..

2011-07-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

With life going the way it has for the past couple of years, I've spent most of my time having conversations, when really more so than not, I was listening, not saying anything. I went swing dancing with a guy who I've known OF for the past 2 years, and I actually had a HUGE crush on him when I first saw/met him 2 years ago. Now, with life having thrown what it has at me, I honestly went into this date not really letting myself have ANY feelings for this guy, and any feelings I had, I cautiously let myself take as being something I should embrace.

We went swing dancing, which I've tried to do for the past however many months, and honestly, this guy has NEVER danced in ALL his life. We were at basics. "K, my right hand is held out with your left hand like this, you put your hand on my waist.. but be sure not to put it on my butt on accident. " and I showed him. His face was red, he we laughing with embarrassment, and I found it to be absolutely awesome! We learned a few dance moves, and he was so determined to get those dance moves DOWN. He made me laugh a good deal, and he honestly was trying his hardest.
We both decided (more so him than me.. he basically INSISTED) that we'd make swing dancing on Tuesdays, our new thing. So.. we are! And I'm pretty excited. I can see an awesome friendship coming from this, and it excites me!

When you know a certain pain, when you form a certain opinion based on personal experience, you tend to seek for those who understand your very being.. because your very being is based on every experience. All the "weird" habits, and different reactions.. you honestly have to have someone who gets it, or you end up continually being looked at like you're insane. Basically, you end up being highly misunderstood.

Here's to the night that I spent 2 hours looking someone in the eye, laughing, joking, dancing, learning... and then for 2 hours after we danced, I looked someone in the eye, who I saw click.. he clicked with me. We clicked. We got it, we empathized with each other.. and for the first time, I explained a situation, and he followed it, almost flawlessly, with the feelings, and hurt followed. We both looked at each other in silence for a good minute.. and nothing had to be said.

Here's to everything in life... a life that no one can control, and I'm gladly meeting people who are becoming people of high importance to me. I'm meeting all sorts of people.. this was the night I met a boy who knew me without knowing he did.

-N.May

I talked for 2 hours, to a guy who has been in an almost parallel situation as me, emotionally speaking... he knows

Pictionary...ish.

2011-07-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

If you told me a year ago today, that I would be this good of friends with this young man, I would have probably laughed at you, asked how you know, and would have laughed in ABSOLUTE disbelief.

Here's to a good friend who has helped me keep a spiritual eye on my most trying of times, and out of his help, I have gained a really great friend who knows a TON about me, and I'm actually anxious for an opportunity in which I'll be able to head back to Provo and visit, cause this kid and I are totally going to make a steak and mashed potatoes dinner.. and it's going to be AWESOME. This kid, outside of the group I met him with, is intriguing, kind, and very interesting in the best of ways. GOOD PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE! And he's an excellent example.

Alex, in the off chance that you ever read this, thank you for being a huge blessing, and for helping, talking and caring about and to me, when no one else did.

You're one of the best, and that saying something.

-N.May

2011-07-03T23:07:00.000-07:00

2011-07-03T23:05:00.001-07:00

Steven Sharp Nelson - The Cello Song - Bach is back (with 7 more cellos)

2011-06-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

AMAZING!! This was done so well, I get excited for no freakin reason!! I love it!

Please, enjoy this great find, with me! =)

Connections go deeper than this earth.

2011-06-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

As life goes on, I am continually reminded of my strong connection to feelings, and music. If I were to describe my perfect way of expressing my feelings, it would be of me looking someone straight in the eye, and saying it all there. I am a strong KNOWER, that our eyes are the doorways to our soul. I am someone who likes to delve into silence... not a word being spoken, feelings, energy in the air, explaining everything.

"When the facade of perfection wears off, only then can you see the true value of what is before you. If it's not what you expected, make sure that it's at least what you want. Do not let a moment pass of uncertainty.. for if you are looking for answers, and but refuse to see what comes your way, you are destined to find yourself unhappy in some way, and that is not what life is about. It is about being happy, no matter the consequence."
-Natalia A. May

It's amazing to see how I can look back on me, see the wisdom I held as uncertainty, and how I can apply it to so much. I cannot make anyone happy, not a glance can change when others doubt, no connection can force an already formed connection to be that which it was never intended to be.

I have met people who have taught me what patience is, they have shown me what beauty lies in the dirt, in the broken, and in the least likely of objects and things. I have been taught to love everything. I have been taught to stand for what is right. I have been taught to never abandon and of your relationships, friendships, partnerships, nor to do anything for the wrong reason. If you love someone, mean it with everything in you.

"I would rather love someone who gave their time to others, and respected my giving personal time to others as well, so that we could both build friendships and relationships that are eternally binding and loyal, than to be with someone who constantly leaned on one on one time with me, to constantly feed his image, and to attempt to make him feel better about himself. Honestly though, I cannot change how a man sees himself, I can merely stand as proof that you CAN love yourself without the help of others around you. When you see your self through heavens eyes, nothing can stop you." -Natalia A. May

What would you do...

2011-06-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

if you felt like everything you knew, was very close to just changing without a moment's notice?

I cannot begin to describe how I feel. I can't tell you what this unshakable feeling, is truly like.

Someone should explain this to me. I'm having a hard time understanding why I'm not allowed to be hurt on levels like never before (because this hasn't happened to me before), or why I'm having a hard time accepting things. I'm scared. If it happens once, it's a MAYBE that is happens twice. Now, when it happens twice, a third time and fourth will follow.. maybe.

I am almost speechless.
I need to go to sleep.

-N

Just gotta say...

2011-06-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

sorry to every girl who thinks that all any guy see's her as, is a sex symbol. I'm sorry you fell for the trap, and have sold your dignity, your integrity, and your standards all for the price of getting attention from some guy.

The reason I say sorry, is because some guy out there is looking for that girl who will stand for something, and refuses to fall for just anything. There's a guy who wants a girl who treats herself right. You know what they say; you can tell how someone will treat others, by how they treat themselves. Or... something like that? I'm sorry that any guy would think that it's ok to take advantage of any girl, to degrade her self worth, just so YOU can honestly be happy. Girls, out there, a guy wants a girl who can be kind, gentle and gracious, but strong and tough when the time calls for it.

Taking advice from a good song;
Stand where others may fall, stand and hold your head tall.. Stand all of your days, Stand and follow His ways... Stand in your youth, a witness for truth... on holy ground; stand.

All these church leaders say to do what is right, and you're sitting there thinking "you have no idea what it's like for us" well here I am, ladies and gentlemen. I know exactly what you're going through. I am a witness for truth, and for the fact that blessings come when you love yourself enough to do and to end up with that person who will love you, and will make you ABSOLUTELY happy.

-Natalia

I didn't end up with you because: reason #123

2011-06-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Reason #123:
You gotta learn to get over your exes before dating again. I'll admit, my biggest mistake was talking to one of your exes, and thinking being friends would keep this ex away from you... not realizing it would be a key to them pushing me on the ground, having them crawl over me, kicking, and scratching me in their frantic process to get to you. The hardest part was, this ex painted me as someone, and you believed this person over me.. YOU believed THEM over ME. When this ex would only talk about how they felt when you broke their heart, and blah blah blah.. I heard the story of days before and days after you broke up. And with a person like this, obviously having a hard time moving on, too, you were willing to trust them first. That was the biggest reason... YOU STOPPED TRUSTING ME.

I didn't end up with you because: I'm not someone who will put up with crap like this. There are plenty of people willing to trust me wholeheartedly, and no ex could or would ruin something like we had. But people's true colors come out when it's MOST convenient. I'm glad I didn't end up with you... I wonder how unhappy I'd STILL be right now if I had tried to "win YOUR trust back"... in reality, it was mine you should've been trying to get back. Oh the little realities that morons create.

I didn't end up with you because: reason #24

2011-06-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

I didn't end up with you because:
Porn, sleeping around, and using me were your best interests. You will always love the attention of everyone more than the attention of just one person. You don't let anyone close, because that means you'll have to stop caring about what other people say, or think... heaven forbid you do that!

I'm sorry you felt like laughing as I got uncomfortable because you felt like throwing a slew of crude comments towards a group of people, with me in the room. "You need to chill out" was your reply.

I'm glad it wasn't you.. cause I'm sure I would have ended up a broken, torn, mentally scarred mess. I'm glad I loved myself enough to kick you to the curb, you narcissistic, piece of garbage.

Things I think of at 3:30am

2011-05-30T01:52:00.000-07:00

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never takes a chance"

A year ago today, I would have never guessed that in 1 year, I would be where I am, today.

If you were to lose someone you love, what would you do? For those who don't know what true, genuine loss is like, imagine what it would feel like to have every inch of you, ache. Every wisp of air, either painfully crossing your senses, or you feeling nothing at all; being unable to feel anything at all. The feeling of loss, of honestly feeling your heart sink, for the first time, time slows down like in the movies. For the first time, you wonder why, with every fiber of your being, it is that life still goes on. You wonder HOW it STILL goes on. Those who have suffered loss, already know this feeling.
The feeling of being unable to stop your tears from pouring, from being able to stop yourself, to control how you feel, and for the first time ever, feeling an emptiness that only loss can provide.
I love theme songs to movies, because they tend to hold the most abundant, and deepest of time and effort into writing. They are easily the soundtracks to my many visions of what The Celestial Kingdom is like.

Can you imagine...? You walk in, and every single human being who has come before you, every little child unborn, is there. Every spirit, young and old, is there in front of you... cheering you on, hugging you, smiling, and they're happier than you are, which I would imagine would be almost impossible. These spirits who have watched you through your whole life, the ones who have fought your fight, and still do, will be there. These angels who are preaching, and helping those who have gone before us without the knowledge of the true gospel. Can you imagine? When you get to Heaven, looking into the eyes of Jesus Christ, and remembering EVERYTHING you forgot when you came to earth? Imagine the way it will feel to FEEL and to engross your whole BEING in the PURE love of Christ, and the warm, and oh so loving embrace of Heavenly Father. Can you imagine, even a TINY BIT, of how the truth will be seen through the eyes of all awaiting your arrival?...

Can you imagine, given your spouse or loved one(s) goes before you, how it will be to see the purest form of any entity of truth and light, shining in their eyes? The struggle on earth after they're gone, the doubt, the uncertainty of whether or not eternity really EXISTS, or if you'd REALLY ever see them again, being completely dissolved?

The feeling of your bond, your commitment, your promise to one another, being revitalized, and the feelings you have for each other, being heightened a billion times over... can you imagine? You can only imagine... but would you want to wait for that moment?

I think we all fear death because in the back of our mind, we wonder if Heaven's really there. Just like Satan, he's always at the back of your mind. Fear, and Faith cannot coexist, it is one or the other, and I think that sometimes we get caught up in life, and we tend to lean towards fear without realizing it, and in that process we lose sight of what is honestly important.

Faith can move mountains.
Sometimes we waste so much time wondering if we have faith, that we miss our chance to move mountains.

-N. May 5/30/2011

Hebrews 11:6 - 6But without ^afaith it is impossible to please him: for he that^bcometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a ^crewarderof them that ^ddiligently ^eseek him.

Hebrews Chapter 11

32And what shall I more say? for the time would fail me to tell of Gedeon, and of ^aBarak, and of Samson, and of ^bJephthae; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets:

33Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained ^apromises, stopped the mouths of ^blions,

34Quenched the violence of ^afire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made ^bstrong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens.

How do you know?

2011-05-29T00:37:00.000-07:00

This is the question we ask ourselves all the time. How do you KNOW when you meet the right person? First you're told that it will be like a story, with a happy ending and all, but then you're told that love doesn't exist.

So, here's the question... how do you know?

I don't believe in soul mates, by the way. So please, tell me..
Cause I'm getting ready to tell myself, and I wanna be prepared.

If any of you say ask the Lord... remember... I'm the one making the ultimate goal, and God has a way of letting me make my big decisions, knowing very well what it is that I want. But here I am... asking, how do YOU know? How DID you know?

I feel like I need some time to myself... very much so. Think, Pray, Thank... We'll get this one, eh?

-Natalia

Where communication becomes the worlds biggest issue

2011-05-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to go into details on MY life, which is something I haven't done really... There are a few things that honestly I'm up for sharing, and I'm not ashamed to share them. I'm tremendously sorry if anyone's assumed that I'm talking about them.. the only people I've straight-forward talked about, are the people who I have spoken highly of, like Alex and Braxton. Other than that, no one, not even Facebook, knows what's going on in my life. I do have a personal life, that everyone, and Facebook, doesn't really know about. Sometimes I'll hint at my life, and its happenings, but more likely than not, I'm talking about something that you guys wouldn't know the details of.

None of ya'll know PRECISELY how I feel about Shane and our break up, and honestly, I'd like to keep that as clean as possible, aside from those on my facebook, who know, STILL, the tiny details.
None of ya'll know precisely what I do with my days. What I spend my free time (time that I have to choose carefully in what I do with it, because it will form a lot of who I am in the future) doing, and honestly, one day it will all come to pass. It will all make sense to you guys.. right now I'm sowing, and soon enough you'll see the rewards that I reap from everything.
None of anyone knows my feelings, how I feel about certain people, who I honestly get excited to see, and I think the most any of ya'll know, is how my gaming life is, and my work life. I keep the rest to myself, and I like that. I like having my personal feelings left in the dark to everyone, because I'm not one to drag the world into my emotional affairs, and it's honestly none of anyone's business.

Knowing that, and knowing how open I am on Facebook and my blog, please realize that there's so much that no one's being told.

The best solution, is just plain asking me. I'll be straight up and honest with you, all of you. If you think something may have been said at someone, that I'm SAYING something, or that I'm hinting at something... and you're not sure; just ask! I'll say so.

Have a good one, ya'll. I'm off to have a fantastic day! Excited to be hanging out with the coolest kid, again, and I'm anxious to see what awesomeness he's planned for us.

This is gonna ROCK.
Huzzah!!
-N.May

A night at the Dallas Temple

2011-05-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

I went and did baptisms with my Single's Ward at the Dallas temple last night. I got to the area early, so I went to the LDS bookstore beforehand, where I bought myself the movie Charly and a new CTR Ring (It's spinny!!).

After baptisms, and before I headed to Steak and Shake with the rest of my ward that did baptisms, I took some good shots of the temple. Enjoy!

Here's to that moment

2011-04-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

When you KNOW He's there. The moment where you know, aren't just wondering and/or guessing that the one sent here to complete you most, that he is there. Here's to that moment when suddenly everything does, for some weird reason, go slower, and you feel something odd, and alien, and yet completely at peace. Your soul is still, and suddenly the events over the past month (aside from a few) make complete sense. Suddenly everything starts falling into view, and there's not much that can take away this feeling.

When I get married, when I am sealed, I will tell the whole story, the time and place of this happening... but until then, you will be happy to know that I know he is out there, and that in time... things will be told, things will unfold, and there will be substance to back up my words, a relationship to back up this moment in time when I, for the first time, knew with every fiber of my being, that I wasn't only NOT alone here on earth, but that there's someone who's looking for me just as much as I'm looking for him, and that nothing's going to stop us from finding each other. As corny, as cliche, and as overly dramatic as this sounds.. you had to feel it to know what I'm talking about. It was almost a flash of something that I honestly can't remember. Kinda a boost and push into the right direction, with a reminder of what it is that I'm pushing towards.

Here's to this moment.. here's to knowing that he knows, ME KNOWING that HE KNOWS. Again.. details will come in time. Only He and I know right now.. and I don't think that he knows that I know that he knows...

Let's make it complicated, yeah? Not really.. it's just a comfort, and such a daily boost knowing that my eternal companion is out there. HE IS THERE. There is NO DOUBT in my mind, AT ALL.

"There is a connection between heaven and earth. Finding that connection gives meaning to everything, including death. Losing that connection makes everything lose meaning, including life."

Huzzah to Israel, and to good days, and good nights.

Love knowing, with my imperfect knowledge, that he's out there. Can't wait to meet him, and if I've met him, I can't wait to spent an eternity with this man... can't wait a bit.

-Natalia

People make me laugh!

2011-04-18T17:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder about people.. I wonder why it is that they feel the need to push people like myself as far from their life as possible, and yet they try to be in my business like there's any business to be in. News flash, there isn't.

I know, I know.. disappointing. I'm not going to spill my guts out when there's no guts to spill. Point is, I love my life. Anyone who tries to pry into things that don't matter, and then make a huge deal about it, aren't going to be missed when they plea for attention by being complete weirdos, and go and try to hurt me and my family in the most immature of ways.

I went on 2 dates with a young man named Joshua Southard this past weekend, I was asked to go swing dancing by someone in Single's ward, and a missionary told me to let him know when I ended up back in Utah, because I worked at the Subway right down the street from where he lives, back home. I find it weird that in light of both my ex and I realizing we weren't making each other happy anymore because we were both seeking for different goals, that within a few weeks, I found that I'm not a completely repulsive, unattractive weirdo like some people would like to claim that I am. I've decided I'm going to just plain go on dates. I don't need any commitment right now, and honestly I'm all up for having a good evening of laughs, and story telling with a young man who desires to spend an evening to get to know me. Many of these men have become my good friends already.. The Lord never ceases to surprise you. And more importantly, me. Life is always good to me, and when it's not, well.. it's not life. It's the mere off days that we require, in order to enjoy the good ones, that much more.

So to the people who make me laugh... enjoy the drama for me. Cause I'm free of it, suckers!

-Natalia

Jumping on the bandwagon!

2011-04-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

Satan works his hardest, in times like these. My only friends are my family (that I can talk to when needed), and everyone's been stressed because of who knows what. Especially my parents.
So, in my job of making sure -I'M- happy, I have decided to do a few tweaks, and start a few hobbies.
One of them, is a 30 day blog challenge.
I tell you there will be 30 blogs... some may be on the same day, one right after the other., and some days there will be gaps of time.. days... weeks. It always depends on my mood, and the topic of the blog.

30 Day Blog Challenge.

1) Your favourite song.
2) The meaning behind your blog name.
3) Your favourite television programme.
4) Favourite book.
5) Favourite quote and why.
6) List 20 of your favourite things.
7) Favourite films.
8) Talk about a great place you have travelled to.
9) Share a photo of your friends.
10) Share something your afraid of.
11) A recent photo you took.
12) What do you believe?
13) Your life goals.
14) A picture you love.
15) Your dream house.
16) Share something your OCD about.
17) What are you really looking forward to?
18) Your wedding/future wedding/wedding you have attended.
19) What do you miss?
20) Nicknames you have.
21) Favourite food.
22) A website you enjoy looking at or care deeply about.
23) A video you have made or enjoy watching.
24) The town you live in.
25) Put your i-pod/i-tunes on shuffle what are the first ten songs?
26) Plans for the weekend ahead.
27) Your Pets.
28) What's in your handbag?
29) Favourite show or concert you have been to.
30) What do you love about life right now?

So

2011-04-08T14:27:00.001-07:00

I'm auditioning for The Sound of Music.

Yup. I'm not sure if I'm excited or not... yet.

The day I rode in a beautiful car, with an awesome guy-

2011-04-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

On wednesday, I went into work to find out that one of my coworkers had called in. If you work at my job, you know how nerve frying it can be to wait around for the much anticipated ERP (Emergency Relief Personnel= people paid for the sole purpose at my job, to cover peoples shifts). Well, in walks a 5'6'' dark blonde, dark complexioned guy, blue eyes... yep. This was gonna be a doosy.. or so I didn't hope. "Hey, what's your name?" I asked him, he walked towards me, and said, in probably one of the softest and most innocent of voices "My names Chris" and I couldn't help but realize that even if he WAS a bad ERP, and DID try to slack off, I wouldn't be able to hate this kid. "Sweet!" I said and as I put my hand out for a hand shake I said "My name's Natalia.. Or Tally. Take your pick. You can even say 'HEY YOU!' and I'm sure I'll answer." and he laughed and said "You're russian, huh?" and I said "No, mexican." and he laughed. So Quiet Chris took over register, and it didn't take me long to figure out he was a youngin'. 17? 18, maybe. Instead of having his high and mighty attitude like most ERP's did, he was quite pleasant. Travis, our manager, and I decided to play around a bit.. we started spouting off crap at each other, and begged Chris to be our middle man.. and surprisingly he did. Travis and I looked at each other, then looked at Chris, and I was all "You're very surprisingly, sir. I'm glad you can play along." and he laughed and said "Just like my car. Most people are surprised I drive a nice car... but I do." and I said "Wait.. where's your car?" and he's all "Over there" I looked at him and said "Let me see this thing. Most people THINK they have a nice car, but they don't have a clue." so I walked out, and there before my eyes was an absolute BEAUTY. A Mazda RX8. I then turned and said "Chris. You're taking me for a ride in that beast, after work." he laughed and said "Ok!" I then said "FINE. OK." and he was all "I'm being serious.." and I retorted with "SO AM I! I just might steal it."

So.. after work, we went a good 100 mph on 820... and that's the day I rode in a beautiful car, with an awesome guy who I'm now becoming good friends with.

The end.

It's been one of THOSE days...

2011-03-09T22:16:00.000-08:00

I ate something that made my stomach all weird, while at work (on hour 2 of 8), my close friend's (basically my sister) baby's heart stopped beating that she's 6-8 weeks pregnant with, and I'm worrying about all the little things in life that are bugging to me on a level absolutely unimaginable.

You could say I need a little vacation.

Yeah.. I do. Way WAY badly. WAY.

2011-02-25T00:27:00.000-08:00

"You're looking for the one who can look at you, and he's the only one that can make you feel the way that you do, when he's looking at you. You see it in his eyes.. the way you know that you're his for forever. It's that guy that will spend the rest of forever with you, no matter how hard it gets."

Sometimes it's nice not having to worry about being looked at like you're nothing but another piece of meat. That's what we're all looking for. That someone who would rather look into your eyes, and tell you without any words, that he'll love you until the end of all existence. Call it corny, call it girly. Every guy wants this, too. To be able to look into someone's eyes, and to know that they love in a way that's deeper in meaning than could EVER be expressed in this here life.

That is my rant about love.
Guys, don't be pigs. Grow up, and love a girl for who she is, not for what she looks like.
P.S..... this isn't actually pointed at anyone? I just think random things like this, and I decide to type them out, and feel better after I get them out.

-Natalia

2011-02-23T18:35:00.000-08:00

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light	5
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,	10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,	15
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

To the haters

2011-02-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

Here's to the ones who like to think my family is drama.
Here's to the ones who like to think my family is lazy, gross, messy, and even nonsensical.
Here's to the ones who like to tell me that my family is irresponsible, because we aren't like THEIR family.
Here's to the ones who like to control everything, to like a contained, and controlled environment.
Here's to your perfect world, that's secretly always messed up with your retarded, OCD ways.
Here's to the hurt words, the rude smile, and the "I don't care what you guys want" remarks. It's apparent you don't care, or this blog wouldn't be written.
Here's to the ones who'd like to think that consistency with EVERYTHING in life, is something my family doesn't have (News flash, we are consistently changing, and you know there's never a dull moment in our house).
Here's to everyone who likes to put their nose in my family's business, and likes to think that it's our fault for their incompetent ways.

Here's to you. I hope you're smothered in your ways. You'll understand how it feels for once.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

For the first Valentine's Day in all my life, I have a valentine who is actually my significant other.

For some weird reason, I am always single on Valentine's Day. Yes, I am rather special.

I've come to realize that sometimes we don't really realize what it is that we have, until we don't have it anymore.. and then even AFTER losing that something, we learn, more and more horribly, that we really did lose something great. We fret over the feeling of pain we feel everyday, and we don't see the happiness, the laughter, and the good times that pass our path. It's times like this when we seem to wonder what's wrong with us. Why aren't we happy? Why can't we just MOVE ON? We are human, we are a people of healing. We have to have those who have ripped us apart, put the first stitch in with a "sorry" whether it's a genuine apology or not. It's just how we are... It's kinda weird how we notice things like this, and yet we can't fix it completely.

With time, pain is less noticeable. We have this auto-destroyer for all pain, until it reaches heights much worse than the last time, then we have no choice but to learn to get over the pain... again.

So, here's Valentine's Day, and I'm talking about pain, about moving on. For MANY in the USA, and even the world, a lot of people are single today. How many people woke up today and didn't get roses, chocolates, or any other little gift to let them know that they're loved? A lot of them. How many people, RIGHT NOW, at this point in time, have lost someone. Who found out that their loved one died over seas? Who is excited, dancing around, and screaming for joy because they just got engaged, or had something amazing happen to them today? Who, today, is wondering why life is going on? Who, today, is stuck in a stagnant piece of time? A point of time where they wish they could change everything?

For 19 Valentine's Day's, I have been the one waking up single. A few of those times were by choice.. I had broken up with someone merely days before. I know what it's like. So, for both our Singles Awareness Day friends, and our taken friends... Happy February 14th! Happy 2 months for Blake and me. It's been a crazy past few months... but I love it. Honestly, I love it to pieces.

Keep it real.

2011-02-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

Do you know what it's like to miss someone so much, that it hurts? Thinking about their absence, and knowing that you can't call them up, wishing you could see their happiness as their life was unfolding for the better.. it's things like this that get to me.
There are days when I'm completely fine, then there are days that I realize that I will never see Ben here on earth, ever again. For anyone who says that he wasn't my brother, didn't know Ben, and doesn't know my family. On the 17th, it'll be 6 months since he passed away. 6 Months ago, on the 17th, I was in a state of craziness.

You never know what you have until it's already gone. You don't know what it's like to lose someone over seas, you don't know the deep pain, the shock, and the broken heart that comes with it, until it happens to you.

While he is somewhere better, I can't help but wish he were here (or more so, with his wife and 1 month old daughter). If I could see Ben smile one more time as he was tricking someone, scaring someone, or laughing at a joke, I'm not quite sure I'd be able to correctly express my gratitude. I wish I could hug Ben just one more time.. just tell him bye one more time.

If I had known it were going to be the last time I saw him, I think I would have chosen my words and actions a little more carefully. I think if I had one more chance to say bye to Ben, to go back in time and tell him bye one more time... I'd tell him that I love him, and that everything would be ok. No one knows what loss is until that have truly lost. Lost to an extent where you CANNOT, in ANY WAY, get what once was, back. For someone to be gone, for something to be missing.. it's like the stars disappearing from the night sky. It's like a tree cut down. No matter how many trees you plant, there will never be a tree quite like that one. Ever again.

Pain isn't easily felt when it comes to me. I'm pretty good at brushing things off.. but this a pain that goes deeper than thoughts, than feelings.

The feeling of loss. It's just not something that many people actually know. It's a pain, it's an ache, it's an every day struggle. Loss is indescribable..

I cannot describe the sense of unknowing, the sense of helplessness that I feel knowing that there is absolutely nothing in my power that will bring him back for these earthly days.

Ever.

-Natalia

2011 so far... enjoy!

2011-02-07T02:16:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Kirsten in the freezer... Morgan keeping her there. "You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul!!"

You don't know what cuteness is, until you've spent a day with my nephew, Digs.

....No, I'm not normal, and I refuse to conform to such nonsense! EVER!

Driving to Oklahoma to take this handsome fellow home (his name is Ben Batemon, and YES, ladies! He IS single!)

Evie and my mom (Grandmamar) outside of the Houston temple. Yes, those green eyes of hers DO save her from a lot of trouble!

Mychael, Digs and Enoch. Houston Temple.

They sat like this, turning only their heads to talk to one another, for about 10 minutes. Digory kept mimicking Enoch. Too cute!

Evelyn Tsukibara Milburn: Sometimes you realize there's no explanation for the cuteness other than the fact that it's HER we're talking about!

Say hello to the May girls... and this is them caught unawares!

"If we were a fairy tell, you'd be BEAUTY and I'd be DA BEAST!!" -Blake Brewer...

Blake, Julie!!! and Brittney at the bowling alley.

Phillip... one of my most favoritest of people in this world. YES, world.

Self explanatory.

I like this quote...

2011-02-05T23:06:00.001-08:00

A time for tearing down... a time for building up.

2011-02-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

I constantly see where I have torn down something, and I see where I've built. As weird as it may seem to notice things like that, it's a comfort to look and see what I've built, and to look at my next construction site and know that I'll succeed. One of the biggest problems in my life is probably others trying to tell me how to live life. How to live, talk, or even act. My biggest problem is.. no one's exactly alike. You're not anyone's parent, and even your own children need your support more than your controlling words.

Yes, controlling. Looking at my past, and realizing that for me to move up in the future, I have people telling me to be a certain someone. To say certain things, and they tell ME what isn't appropriate. While I know that people do things with good intent, I honestly feel offended when those same people tell me not to tell them what to do.

Hypocrisy is a horrible disease.

My point is, fix yourself, don't misuse trust, and love everyone as they are.

We're all in the same battle, a personal battle that must be fought alone, where we are continually tearing down, and building up.

And that's my tidbit for the evening!

One great day down, an eternity of them to go.

-Me

2011-02-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b****.
Sincerely, The Titanic

My favorite kind of sunday

2011-01-30T22:08:00.000-08:00

My favorite kind of sunday, is one where things seem to go wrong, but by the end of the day, I rememebr why I push on, why it's worth it.

While this past week has been DUMB... Tonight was a nice kick off for a fantastic week ahead. Really! I'll need to post my most reason vlog from my youtube, onto here.. but now I'm off to go buy Taco Bell for Marthe, Rylan and me. Yes, it is midnight on a (technically Monday morning) sunday night.

Yes. My life rocks! 7 days til lift off, and I'm drivin' to UTAH with Kirsten and Blake! HUZZAH!

Journal Entry 1-30-2011

2011-01-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

This past week, I've had a hard time being optimistic, happy, and peppy.

Thing is... I'm always like this when something's off. My mind, and surroundings know.. which means I get to figure it out!

Joy.

All muh missionary boys only have 7 more months. Weird... Almost 6!

Life really isn't THAT difficult

2011-01-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

So why do people make it seem like it is?
Or, when life DOES get difficult, they try to find another reason for it to be, once things are fine again. Some people feed off of attention, negativity, and retardation (their own).

Their loss, my gain. I don't care if I live to be 100, 60, or even 45. It's not the amount of years I lived.. it's how AWESOME each day, in those years, is. I have a pretty amazing life, too. I'm gonna have tons of stories to recollect on, with God.. "Remember that day that I fell down the stairs, and started laughing? Not because I fell down them, but because I knew you were watching, and I couldn't help but IMAGINE how it looked to you? Hahahaha!!" Seriously. I wonder this ALL the time!

One day at a time, people! ONE DAY AT A TIME!
Worked 43+ hours last week.. I work 42+ hours THIS week! Heck yeah.
P.S. Happy Birthday Julie Kuykendall! Julie's one of my QT coworkers, and happens to be one of my good friends. LOVE HER! She's trying to get me to move into a house with her and a few other friends this summer.
Needless to say, she's awesome! Happy 19th, crazy lady!

-Natalia

Happy January 21st!

2011-01-21T12:56:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday was my mom's 18th birthday (AGAIN), so I figured I'd give her a shout out on here (since I already did in person) and say Happy Birthday!

Life has been pretty swell for me. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll be 21 in less than 7 months. Almost 6, actually. Which reminds me of Seminary my Junior Year in High school. Our teacher would have half birthdays for the summer birthday people.

You know, they say that time heals everything. Maybe "they" (whoever THEY are) don't know everything. Maybe they haven't been through everything.. So, how do they know? I would say that time heals wounds. But scars are constant book openers to those chapters in our lives. At least, it is for me.

Random: I revived a Twitter I created at the end of August last year. I found no need, or interest in updating it, I mean, with no followers and all. But it's up and running again! If you get on twitter, check out the words of my thoughts! www.Twitter.com/Crazylady4life

I found out that 3 of my good friends (good in the sense that I've known them all for a long time) are getting divorced. It seems that as life goes on, the purpose of this life we're living, lessens and lessens. It seems that no one fights the fight, MAKES it work, even if everything has gone down the tube. Where's the guts? Where's the loyalty? Where's the perseverance? Meh. I know nothing of marriage, so why am I making this such a huge concern?

Sometimes, you have to realize what kind of person you are, in order to find the kind of person you want, and need. Not only relationship-wise, but friend-wise. Kirsten, my sister, has become one of my closest friends. Yes, I did just say friend. I love her to death, and I've been able to have some of the best of times, with her. She's pretty fantastic, and her boyfriend is pretty fantastic, too! VERY much like her. He's a keeper!

So, happy January 21st! Make it a fantastic one, and keep on keeping on! Love every day more than the last. Make each day better than you expect, and love everything you have.

-Natalia

My awesome roommate, Na Na (nay-nay)

2011-01-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

While living in Provo, I moved into The Branbury. My expectations for roommates was pretty low because of the roommates I had while living in Old Mill over the summer. Well, much to my surprise, I had one roommate who, amongst all the crap going on in my life, listened to me, and helped me when I needed it the most.

Her name is Na Na. She is half hawaiian, half mexican, and I love this lady to death! She's getting married this Friday, which just so happens to be mine and Blake's 1 month (the 14th).
Her fiance, Sam, is one of the funniest people ever. If there were one person who knew how their relationship was going better than them two, it would probably be me, and Charly, Na Na's best friend. I woke up to them fighting, yelling, laughing, singing... you name it. I was there!

I remember back in November, a week before I moved, they got in a huge fight. They actually broke off things, but had fixed it within a few hours. But, man.. I remember how I had decided RIGHT THEN, that if things were going to go bad, I was going to stay in Provo. Having been in her shoes (kinda) I realized she'd need a LOT of things to do, and people to hang out with, to fill in the time that she had previously spent with Sam.

I remember, to this day, her wise words.. "Natalia, Satan tempts you, and throws the hardest punches, because you're weakest when things are going towards the eternal. Don't give in, ever. It's hard, but in the end, it's worth it."
Her words, the words of Jeff, my first manager at QT, and a lady I use to nanny for, are the 3 people who have influenced me THE MOST when it comes to deciding who I will eventually end up with for forever.
That says something, because Sis Carr's words (the lady I nannied for) are words that helped me ultimately decide to put things to an end back in August. For Na Na's words, and advice to be right up there... that says something.

I wish ALL the best to Na Na and Sam, and I know that they haven't made it this far, to the temple and all, without a fight. I know too well.

I love her to death, and I miss both her and Sam a lot. So here's to the most awesome couple, EVER.
Na Na and Sam. 1-14-2011

How?

2011-01-09T13:31:00.001-08:00

How do you go from the bottom, and reach where you're trying to go: The very top?

You keep moving on. You pick yourself up. You find strength in the most odd places, at the most odd times.

Didn't you know this?

Here's a blog dedicated to what once was, what is now, and what will be, once again.

Sometimes, I think we get so scared that life really won't get any better, that we put ourselves in a shell. We hide behind our fear, and in the process, we miss the opportunities, the good times, and possibilities of every kind, as that go by. You can build a wall to keep all the pain out, but that same wall keeps out any joy.

Who are we to take our life, and waste it on us? Ourselves? While we should always be happy, I think that some of us don't really know what happiness is, pure, wonderful, feel-good happiness. The kind where the only consequences you have to deal with after the actions that brought this happiness, is the reassurance that tomorrow, that same happiness is still going to be the same, as long as we let it.

Some say we don't know. We don't know if we'll be happy tomorrow... but I think that's a lie. I think there are days where you get to decide how you are, who you are, and what you'll make tomorrow out to be. Reaction is much more pungent to those around, than action. For reaction is natural.. it shows who we really are. Actions are thought through, most of the time, and you decide.

How we react shows a lot of who we really are.

Just a little venting.. is this allowed?

2011-01-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

So. I've decided that...

Well.

I've decided a lot of things.

1.I miss Utah.

2.I miss Robert

3.I miss Thomas

4.I can't stand this junk.

5.I don't like it when people think it's funny to push standards.

6.I don't like it when people try to make me feel uncomfortable.

7.I have been craving sushi for the past 2 months, but I haven't been able to make myself eat it, since the last time I had sushi was with The Guys back in Provo. It just doesn't seem right to go without them.

8.Money is STUPID.

9.I'm more mature, and more put together than I thought. I didn't really realize this until I met a few people.

10. People are nothing but disappointing.

11.I have NO IDEA who I'm going to end up with, and I'm glad.

12.I speak too swiftly sometimes.

13. I feel like if I speak my mind, that I'll be made fun of, and that you'll think that I'm dumb in some way.

14. I think I deserve a little more, from a few more people.

15. It's NOT funny. <--- No matter how many times I say this, people still act retarded, do the SAME thing, and laugh. I don't find it funny, and it's rude. Sheesh.

16. Hell hath no fury like a Natalia pissed off, scorned or betrayed. And forgiveness may be quick, but my trust isn't easily won back, if ever.

-Me.

Introducing, a couple that's pretty crazy.

2011-01-05T08:13:00.000-08:00

Point of picture #1? I beat up my boyfriend, especially when he tries to claim his beastliness.. "I'll show you beastly, white boy!" are usually my words.
This is my favorite "adorable" picture of us. He doesn't like his smile, or his face, or pictures of either of those things. So, I got us both laughing/smiling.. I think it's a good one.
Seen Major Payne? Yeah. That's one of our favorite movies. And yes, we will hurt you. "One tubby tubby! TWO Tubby tubby!" "ONE! Don't you feel dumb?! TWO! Look at you!..." And our most used phrase "Don't push the maybe, baby."

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011 everyone!

I'm not really looking back at 2010, cause I'd hate to waste a whole lotta 2011 on something that I should've been looking at while it was right in front of, and all around me.

So, here's to 2011!

I have a great family who supports, and loves me. Coming home was the right choice.

I have great friends who remind me that it's ok to be a little weird, crazy and stupid sometimes.

I have a great boyfriend who reminds me that my family loves me when they're driving me crazy, and he's a little weird with me. And I love that smile of his. Gotta love it, cause I see lots of that smile everytime I'm with him.

Here's to a great year. We'll see where I am in 525,600 minutes. Where will you be?

-Natalia

First post of Craziness!

2010-12-27T20:43:00.000-08:00

Here I am, at 2:30 in the morning, and I'm trying to figure something out... what do I want in life?

I use to know what I wanted.. I knew at what ages I wanted things to happen, and I knew exactly what would happen.

My goals have always been the same:

1.Find a guy who I'm best friends with, and spend an eternity devoted to that best friend's happiness and well being. I'd also have the privilege of making it through trials with this best friend, we'd raise a family together, and best of all, this best friend would be my husband.

Funny thing about my first goal, is that most people look past the fact that there's another in the equation to having a family. It's not that you're JUST GOING TO HAVE ONE.. you have to find someone who you trust to help you raise this little human being, who I'm pretty sure you'll love with more than every fiber of your being, and that takes a lot. We're so ready for our happy family, that we forget that there's someone else entirely to the package.

Don't get me wrong, I want children, but not as badly as I just want to find my eternal companion. The person who thinks I'm worth their eternity, the person who takes me in both my good times, and bad. The person who asks, and patiently waits.. I require A LOT of patience from everyone around me.

I'm looking for someone who takes my little gestures, like my hand on their face, and I want them to realize that it takes a lot of trust for me to get that close. I don't need someone who's going to shrink away from my physical actions.. the little ones, like my hand on their back. People don't quite grasp the kind of view I have on relationships. The ways I have been used, and tossed to the side. The way I would rather wallow in my singleness than have to feel like I'm being ENDURED by others. I'm looking for someone who's romantic. I know this sounds corny, but it's true. It's always the little things. I am a "little things" type of gal. I don't need flowers, I don't need money, or gifts... I need that wink, that look that says "you're mine, and I'm dang lucky because of it."

My dream was so perfect, way too perfect, actually. I'm looking for someone who thinks that I'm worth their time and all eternity. I guess this could be bitterness from the past, but I honestly can't stand hearing about exes. If you're still thinking about them frequently, then you shouldn't be with me.

My secret #1:

I am so very afraid that I will end up alone. That I will end up single, and unwanted. It's a reality I'm trying to brace myself for, because I will not change for ANYONE, because I KNOW that I am doing MY best, to be my best. But it never seems to be enough for anyone, so I kinda quit caring a while ago.

My secret #2:

I'm afraid of dying young. It's just something that nags at me. What if I don't make it to the hospital in time, the next time my side is hurting? What happens if I'm too late? Again, who's willing to marry someone like me, who is most definitely expensive, medically speaking?

2. I need someone who will be serious with me. Who can, for a time, sit down and ask me questions that get me thinking. Someone who can laugh with me, but can think deeply with me. I want someone who inspires me to learn.

3.I don't know what I want to do school-wise anymore.

Point is, I know what's wrong with me. I know what a majority of the people out there want..

I just want someone who will love me, for exactly the way I am.

Maybe that's my dream? My dream is to wake up every morning knowing I'm not putting on an act AT ALL. Knowing that I can be me, whether I'm a grouch or not. And 5, 10, 20 years into the marriage, he can still look at me like he's looking at me for the first time again.

BUT, alas, I have a huge problem with being realistic.

I'm too perfect goal-oriented for this life I have...

Because I'm updating my TABC (alcohol handlers) permit.

2010-12-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

I think I can safely say that my life is pretty great. I love it! 2010, you've been a year of much learning, and of realizing.

Some people...

2010-12-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

cease to surprise me.

surprise me without letting up any.

make me wonder how this world is still functioning.

have a way of influencing me to be better.

have a way of influencing me to stay exactly the way I am.

don't understand what love is.

constantly make mistakes.

constantly make the same mistakes.

make you want to punch a hole in the wall.

are the only hope you have to hold on to.

become your everything.

end up being absolutely nothing.

ask for it.

screw things up themselves, when they'd like to think it's everyone else.

don't realize what they have.

don't have what they think they do.

amaze me.

sadden me.

annoy me.

love me.

hate me.

talk about me.

back stab me.

disappoint me.

are an inspiration to me of what I'll never ever be.

are talented.

are manipulative.

are rude.

are selfish

make you want to punch someone.

help you choose to make the right choice.

save you from ruining, and bashing in someone's face.

think they're smart, when they're not.

think I'm stupid, when I'm not.

will always mean everything to me.

will never know that it was Robert I knew I'd wait for, even after talking about marriage over the summer, with someone else.

will know, and will probably tell everyone that Robert is someone I will always love more than I could love anyone else.

will know what it's like to have me mad.

already know what that's like.

know me.

wish they did.

have a testimony.

use their testimony as an excuse.

don't understand how much Heavenly Father loves us.

have been by my side through every side of me.

love me despite my bad moods.

know happiness.

know pain.

inflict pain.

And some people move you in ways no one else ever can. Some people are the reason you ARE.

Today, I miss my Utah people. I miss them a LOT, and I love them all to pieces.

Huzzah!

-Natalia

Thanksgiving 2010 =)

2010-11-25T22:05:00.000-08:00

10 people I am grateful for:

1.My Family
2.Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father

3.Eric Davis

4. James Kirkland

5. Grant Baker

6. My Grandparents (both sides of the family)

7. Earnie Larkin (Supervisor that put me at 868 for QT, and also helped me ASAP)

8.Bishop Allred, Bro.Tribe and Bro. Porter <--- BEST Bishopric I have EVER had the privilege of having.

9.Nickie Valerio

10. Steven Reid

10 things that I'm grateful for that have happened in my life:

1. Moving to Haltom City, not Kooskia or Kamiah Idaho.

2. EFY. One of the biggest events that influenced my choices the most.

3.I met the Arkansas Gang

4.I lost the Arkansas Gang

5. I met Robert, James, Eric, Grant, Steven, and countless others.

6. I moved to Utah

7. I made the unpopular, hard decision.

8. I moved back home.

9. I ha(d)ve medical problems.

10. I lost myself, and everything around me.

I'm grateful for my testimony, and for my family and friends.

James, Eric, Grant... this post is for you guys. I miss y'all more than you know. Today, I am hitting a bit of nostalgia. I miss MY Utah, and the life that I built there. But I'm excited for my mission. I'm ready to forget the world, and to bring the best to this world, that I am able to.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

-Natalia

Salt Lake to Denver to Amarillo to Dallas.. My traveling story!

2010-11-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

11/22/10

My day started at 6:45am. I was sleeping on the Winward's couch in their TV room. Had a good night's rest, and woke up dreading what was to come. I CAN'T STAND AIRPORTS.

Spencer and I were out of their house by 7am, and I grudgingly drug my beastly suitcases to the check in counter after a rather hard goodbye. Spencer Winward is freakin awesome, and did me a HUGE favor by taking me to the airport last minute.. I love 'im to death!

After boarding the flight in SLC, I was OUT. I slept nice and long, and it was way nice. I'm not much for talking with people on flights... I've heard too many stories. Not good ones. So, sleeping is my escape from having to converse. I landed in Denver, and had to walk a good distance to my next flight.

My flight from Denver was delayed... and they did NOT do well under pressure. In the off chance that there's some crazy national tragedy that goes on, do NOT be in the Denver Airport when that happens. So, we board the plane, and since it was a full flight, and I was the last group to get on the airplane, I ended up having to sit between 2 people. "Hey, is this seat taken?" I asked one of the steward's. "Yes, is it! Are you over 15?" "Yes... I'm 20." "Oh! Well yes then." "It's ok. Everyone mistaken's me for being way younger than I am." I put my backpack in the overhead bin, and sat between an older guy (he had the window seat), and a guy, early early 20's, wearing a cowboy hat. I sat down, and I remember the first thing that I conversed with the cowboy hat dude, was about how we should hide the little safety pamphlet that the male steward standing next to us, had just put in arms reach for him to use when he was ready.

That, right there, basically paved the road for how things went on my flight to Amarillo from Denver. We ended up talking the entire time, so I skipped on sleeping, and he skipped watching Toy Story 3 on his laptop. The bond between us from mere strangers to friends, was made when a bald guy sitting in front of us turned and told us to be quiet. The Cowboy hat dude laughed, and said "Maybe if his ears weren't so big, he wouldn't be able to hear us talking" and I DIED. He was, from then on, the guy with the big ears. We couldn't stop laughing, and had a pretty good time talking after that. He ended up staying getting off in Amarillo, and I slept the rest of the flight from Amarillo to Dallas. I had the old lady next to me calling me little miss, and she threw away my drink because I was asleep..

I ended up landing 20 minutes late, and traffic was pretty lame. But it was, all in all, a love hate deal. The whole airport experience.. can't stand it!

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

2010-11-23T23:01:00.000-08:00

"In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of even greater importance."

"Christlike attributes come into our lives as we exercise our agenncy righteously."

"The heavens will not be filled with those who never made mistakes but with those who recognized that they were off course and who corrected their ways to get back in the light of gospel truth."

"What we love determines what we seek. What we seek determines what we think and do. What we think and do determines who we are — and who we will become."

"Never give up on anyone. And that includes not giving up on yourself."

"As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."

Let them good times roll!

2010-11-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

I've had this consistent event happening the past few days, where I skype with my family.

Now, back in May or even June of this year, I don't think skyping my family would have been too exciting. As I'm moving on, and starting a new chapter in my life, I see what my past choices have done for me today.

I know that within 2-3 weeks, I'm going to miss Utah. My family will be.. My Family, and they'll get on my nerves. But it's when you realize that kind of role they play in your life, and yet you would be willing to move 1,200 miles BACK to be with them. That's when you realize just how amazing they are.

Eternity doesn't seem so bad when you realize that the people you're spending it with, are people who have seen you mess up, have seen you go off the deep end, have heard you say the worst of things, and have heard you, and felt you give up. These people... an eternity. How much have they influenced you, and how on earth, and WHERE on earth would you be if you had gone to a family full of any other people?

I just want to say thank you (as weird as it may seem) to Kenji for everything. I think he taught me a lot, even if it was through not only the best, but the worst of experiences.

To just put it out there, James and I aren't dating, but he's definitely my best friend still.. that's why I love him to death (as a best friend.. crazies.)

I'm excited for my future, and I'm excited to see where this leads me.

Keep it amazing, everyone! Satan settles for destruction, but will settle for distraction. Always!

-Sis. Natalia May

P.S. Josh Groban has a new album out. I haven't listened to it yet.. but you should.